A Place for Mom's Family

My mother is 90yr old, lives alone and has always been very independent and listens to no one.  If anyone tries to stop her from doing just what she wants to do, her wrath is mean and extremely cruel.  She suffers from dimentia, but her meanness and unpredictability is not something new.  Her doctor keeps telling me that she should not be driving and that she needs to be in a nursing home, but he doesn't understand the financial situation or how impossible she is to control.  She was recently hospitalized due to not taking her medications correctly.  When she was released, I took the opportunity to tell her that I needed to "borrow" her car for a while.  She was furious and after 3 days of constant verbal abuse from her, I returned the car and a heated verbal argument ensued.  I didn't hold my tongue as I have been able to do up to this point and the result was that she called the police and reported that I had "assaulted" her and attempted to "steal" her car.  Thank God, the police understood and realized that the bruises on her arms were the result of the IV's from being in the hospital.  In the past, I had tried the battery trick with the car, but she picked up the phone and called a repair service to come out and tow her car to the mechanic and ended up paying hundreds of dollars to have it repaired.  She has been lost twice and both times missing for 4 to 6 hours before showing up where she was supposed to be.  She not only pays her car payment, but also I recently discovered that she is paying hundreds of dollars for 2 different warranty services on her car, as well as her lender has taken out single interest insurance on top of the regular insurance that she carries.  She has sent hundreds of dollars to foreign countries for lottery scams and she only receives Social Security and a small retirement check.  She has alienated all members of her family and although I have 3 brothers, no one will have anything to do with her except me.  I have decided that I can no longer put myself in harms way trying to deal with her and I don't know what is going to happen from this point.  I am at my wit's end and I don't know where to turn.  Any advice?

 What my husband did about his mother was to remove a spark plug so that the car won't run. But in addition to that, put a not under the hood saying "DO NOT REPAIR THIS CAR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. THE DRIVER HAS DEMENTAI AND SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING. CALL ME FIRST." then put your number for them to call you. You can probably get the mechanic to make up some very expensive repair job that will take a looonnngg time to fix. 

Hi, Be sure to take some time for yourself daily. Please know that you are not alone. I applaud you for hanging in there. I have a brother and sister-in-law who "help" in a counter-productive ways. So I'd rather be in your shoes as far as help from siblings goes. Contact your states Adult Protective Care Services department, maybe it's not called that in your state but there should be an agency that operates to protect adults. They can help you to get your mom placed and they can be the "bad guy" for you. I'm surprised the hospital released your mother without insisting that she have some type of home care. As I have come to understand it, health care professionals that become aware of an adult, or child that is in some type of distress are mandated to report such cases to the authorities. Since your mother was hospitalized for not taking her medications correctly, that should have been a red flag to some one there. You can petition for Guardianship for your mother, then you would have legal control of her and all things pertaining to her. Check your states website, there should be some information about the process. Contact your licensing bureau they should have some method to revoke her driver's license, in my state the doctors at the Geriatric Evaluation Clinic I used contacted our licensing bureau for me. I can not tell you how critically important it is that you keep her off the road, if something should happen the legal liability is huge and you don't need any more problems than you have. Hope some of this helps. Please remember you are not alone. Keep reaching out, it's how I stay sane.

 There are options!  I have a mother that had a stroke, cant talk, barely walk and has little to no strength in her arms.  I looked here at this forum and found help. 

This is what I did...

 I wrote to the DMV Department of Motor Vehicles and they inturn sent me a form to fill out to tell them why she is not to drive.  I then filled it out and sent it to them.  

Inturn they sent me a form for a doctor to fill out.  I knew that the doctor did NOT want my mom driving, so I just held on to it.  

I eventually got the suspension/revokation notice.  If I let it lapse 15 days which I will It will be irrevocable.

KEY: fill out the form honestly!  You will need to have her drivers license number.

Good luck on your journey.  I know its a long road, but remember there are friends at every turn!

Michele