A Place for Mom's Family

Does it seem like just yesterday that your mom lit up when you brought the grandchildren over? So why does she hardly smile and seem irritable around the kids now? Has your dad always been a lifelong baseball fan? So when did he start turning down box seat tickets at the ballpark? Sudden changes in mood and interest can signal more than just old age. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) reports that depression in elderly populations is not only widespread but “a serious public health concern.” Recent research suggests that as many as 15 percent of elders—that’s 6.5 million Americans—suffer from depression, and still more, 25 percent, report that they suffer from persistent feelings of sadness.

A “Major Public Health Problem” Dr. Gary Kennedy, chief of geriatric psychiatry at Montefiore Medical Center and Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York and a leading authority on depression in the elderly, calls the condition a “major public health problem.” Kennedy says many health practitioners are unprepared and unable to detect signs of depressed individuals. “Most don’t ask the simple questions that screen for depression,” he says.

Depression can be a huge problem. I voted no in the poll as my parents, who are only 71 are still very active and busy. Too busy if you ask me as I have to plan months in advance to see them with their  busy lifestyle.   At St. Jude hospital here in Fullerton, CA we are doing a depression study and have over 100 seniors 85 and older being evaluated by  counselors.  Doctors referred them.  l'll let you all know how the study turns out next year.

I think that the elderly are over medicated in many cases and the listlessness they demonstrate can often be traced to too many meds.  My mother who is 86 years old was recently hospitalized for just over a month, and in that time her diabetes was brought under control and the doctors eliminated eight (8) of the eleven (11) medications she was taking everyday before being admitted.  Since then mother's mental accuity has markedly improved and she no longer appears depressed.  

Before the event that caused her to be hospitalized, my mother would go through her days falling asleep just two minutes after she sat down - wherever she was seated.  She was even hitting her head on the dining room table following meals because she would just nod off.  We thought she might be depressed because she was so weak and tired all of the time, but now I think she was just numbed out by too many medications.  She probably wasn't feeling too much of anything at all...

My mother-in-law was recently hospitalized for medication stabilization. During her stay, the doctors confimed that she was suffering from severe depression as a result of social isolation. After her discharge from the hospital, we moved her (against her wishes) into an assisted living community. At first "Mom" was reluctant to move as she was worried about finances, etc. However with my husband's (her only child) encouragement and taking over the management of her financial affairs, Mom is no longer obsessed with her financial situation. Her depression which showed by constant crying has all but disappeared.

Of course her settling in took some time and we were initially discouraged because it seemed as thought she wasn't trying to participate and constantly complained. With the encouragement of the assisted living staff we patiently waited. Surprisingly around week six things began to change. Mom is beginning to thrive. Her cheerful demeanor is returning. Every day we see a new improvement. She chatters about the activities and friends she's making.

By recognizing that things weren't right and removing mom literally from the walls of isolation in her home, we have been able to participate in the restoral of quality to her life. We are so grateful we took the risk to save our mom from the depths of despair she found herself in. It wasn't easy - but it was definitely worth the struggle it took to make the change.

 I am encouraged by your post Rosy of your experience with assisted living arrangements for your mother-in-law. I have also been discerning as to this option in my Mother's case. She is no longer "social" and I feel as though, even with me being her caregiver, she is living in isolation of her home as well. So it took six weeks for the adjustment to be made? What did you have to overcome yourself in order to understand that this was the place she needed best to in? I have so many reservations of this decision for my Mother is the reason why I am inquiring. 

Hi RainbowPainter,

Sorry it took me a while to reply. I had trouble with my password and had to have it reset.

To answer your post.  Making the choice to move your loved one into assisted living is not easy. Many times, as in our case, the loved one feels as though their independence is being removed and they are losing their sense of identity. The important thing to focus on for your mother is her safety and well being. One of the most important things is to make her surroundings feel more like her home, be sure to use her things (photos, furniture, knick-knacks in her room wherever that is - at your home or in an assisted living environment. You may want to make a photo collage of her family and friends to help her remember special times and special people. We have also filled her photo albums with many special pictures of her family and friends. She spends time reflecting and pondering her special memories.

As far at the time frame for our "mom" to adjust, she's still adjusting. It's been about 10-12 weeks now and she is continually making progress. One of the neatest things that recently happened is she has made a new friend. This lady just moved to assisted living and "mom" has adopted her as her project. They're about the same age and they are going to daily devotions together and many of the activities. The two ladies discovered that they both were experiencing many of the same feelings and that made mom know that she wasn't the exception. The feelings about giving up her independence and her home were "normal" thoughts and feelings. In addition from Mom's participating in the regular activities, she's befriended the Activities Director and has  volunteered her services to the AD to do some of the easier tasks to help the AD prepare for the assisted living events. She's even helped the AD get things ready for her children's activities. This has helped our mom be able to realize she could still make a viable contribution. I've had her help me with some of my easier tasks. She's proclaimed herself my assistant. The important part for me is to make sure that I encourage her and praise her quite a bit. For us as the caregivers - encouragement, appreciation and praise is an important aspect of aging - many times, the elders simply don't feel that they can make a contribution anymore.

With your mom, you may want to look for ways to include her in things she has the ability to help with. Can she help with household chores such as folding clothes, setting the table, etc?  Sometimes you have to be creative and know that a little time invested will help her self-esteem.

With regard to what it took for us to make the choice of assisted living - our mom was living alone and had been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia. We would get phone calls regularly after we got in from work - mom was more and more agitated. We noticed a theme, if we hadn't spent time with her that day, she would find a way to have a crisis - and we would usually end up having to go over there or endure endless phone calls from a frantic, upset woman. The proverbial "straw" that caused us to say it's time, was the phone call that came at 1:30AM - and mom didn't recognize her surroundings and was asking my husband where his father was. (Note: his father had been deceased for six years).  We knew that it was time.  After a brief stay in a geri-psych facility for evaluation and medication management, we moved her into assisted living. A couple of things that helped with the transition - 1 - the doctor's diagnosis from the geri-psych - she could no longer live alone and she needed constant supervision. Without these tools, mom would have insisted that she move back home. With the tools, she could no longer fight the inevitable.

I'm here to answer your questions if you have any others. Please let me know.

Rosy

Thank you Rosy for such an elightening response. I'm happy to hear that your situation has become a success and that all is working to a more quality of life for your mother. 

I'm living with my mother at this moment in time, since the loss of my father last spring and she is aware of her surroundings and knows that she is in the comfort of her own home. I keyed in on your incident of the phone call of distress from your mother and of her not knowing where she was and asking for someone that hasn't been with her for a number of years. I will pay close attention to this type of behavior as well.

My mother does have days of confusion with names and relationships and we gently ease her back into reality of family connections. I test her daily of her name and address and phone number as well. So far, she is still retaining that much information. 

I appreciate you sharing this event with me. I feel as though I can be more prepared of knowing when the time comes for our family to make such a decision now that I have read this post. 

Many blessings to you and yours and may this change of life as you know it be one of many filled days of memories and love.

Rainbow