A Place for Mom's Family

My parents have been married for 59 years! A miracle in today's world and yet it has been a marriage of hurt, verbal and physical abuse, lies, hatred, deception and affairs on my Dad's part. Throughout my growing up, I knew at a very young age that my parent's marriage wasn't like Ozzie and Harriet. I have never seen them kiss, hold hands or show other signs of physical affection. Don't get me wrong, there were many, many good moments, too. Anyway, this brings me to the present situation. Mom is 80 years old and suffers from dementia. What she no longer does is: finances, drives, or cooks. I have taken over these responsibilities. Everything else she still does. She is on Aricept, Namenda and Citalopram. The majority of the time, she does her crossword puzzles, goes to adult daycare 2x a week and loves it, watches the news and reads both daily newspapers. Occasionally, she even babysits her great-grand daughter. However, every once in a while, her mood will change and she will be very, very angry at my Dad. It is hard for me to tell whether her anger is real or bitter memories from the past. Granted, my Dad does not help the situation when he blows up when he's had enough of her ranting. This escalates into my Mom "barricading" her bedroom door. I just returned from a 10 day trip and although she was very chipper when I was away, it seems that her mood is changing day by day. She didn't want to go out to dinner on her birthday because my Dad was going. Then, the next day, my Dad calls and says she is in a GREAT mood. Today, I got a call from her at work, telling me to come and get her or I'll never see her again! She said that my Dad wasn't home and that means he doesn't care (he was at his senior citizen group meeting). I tell my boss, I must leave work, I drive over there and she asks me why am I there? She's still very agitated and wants to live separately from my Dad. I don't know which is the "real" her anymore. I don't know which voice to listen to. I don't know what else to do. Her geriatrician set up a meeting with a social worker next week to discuss the possibility of an assisted living. I'm very afraid of the costs. My parents have some money but, it will not last long if she goes into one of these facilities. I'm beginning to think I need to see a therapist. The roller coaster ride continues.

Let me just say, I understand what you are going through. My father had Alzheimer's/Dementia and was 86 years old. He was very aggressive towards my mother lots of time. This can becme an overwhelming, stressful situation daily that you have to deal with. No, I do not think you need a therapist, but you should try to get into a support group in your area. Contact the Alzheimer's Association and they will direct you to one. This is important for you and your family. You will realize that you are not alone. The mood swings and even weather changes seem to affect individuals with Alzheimer's/Dementia. And when the sun goes down, this can sometimes be the worst. I can tell you that in our situation, it was also very difficult. Each day seem to bring something new. You seem to be holding your breath on a daily basis. You also can not take the things that your mom does personally. Dementia is a disease. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and find humor in things. You need to take care of yourself and get some repite help. Financially, if you need help, there are options. If your father was a Veteran, you parents can qualify for the Veteran's Aid and Attendance Pension, or do Reverse Mortgage if they homeowners. Also they can draw on their life insurance policies. Contact a Social Worker for any help that may be available  if these other options are not right for your family. You need to get assistance for you to be able to reduce the stress and anxiety that you are feeling. You may choose the option of having a caregiver come in to help a few days a week so that you can keep your sanity and assist your parents. I am sure that your father may also need a much needed break. In our situation we had a doctor come to the house once a month. Ask you doctor, my father was on benadryl to help calm him down. That is the only thing that seemed to help him. All the other medication that he was on seemed to make him worse. But the benadryl worked very well. I am not a medical professional, so ask your doctor. That is what ours recommended. When your mom gets a mood swing try to redirect her thoughts to something else, something pleasant. Redirect her to something she can remember that she liked or enjoyed. Remember, with Alzheimer's/Dementia people remember the past not present. So redirecting her thoughts can help you. Keeping a quiet, calm atmosphere will keep her calmer also. Surround her with the things that she liked and enjoyed so you have them on hand for difficult behavior. Play some music that she may enjoy, and don't comment on the situation at hand, even though it may be upsetting, ignore it and redirect her thoughs. In a minute she will forget.  This seemed to work with my father most of the time. I know this is a very difficult situation, but you will get through it. It will make you stronger as a person. 

mpheartsofgold  

Well - what a picture you paint.  I recommend that you call your local Alzheimer's Association (or the helpline at 1-800-282-3900) and find out about resources.  Most especially, I suggest you start attending a support group of caregivers - other people such as yourself.  You will learn ways to work with the system, find the care that your Mom needs, etc.  There is a great financial aid program for veteran's which could help your folk - it's called VA Aid and Attendance, and I think you should find a financial advisor who is a Veteran's Advocate to help you with the application. 

 First and foremost, get some support by going to workshops to learn about the disease and communicating with your Mom and your Dad - and also a support group to learn from others who are going through the same thing.  Good luck!

SydneyK