A Place for Mom's Family

How about articles to assist the family who is reluctant to move...Pittsburgh is breed that way...."I was born in this house, I will die here too!"

We do have "But I'm not ready yet" and "Convincing the Aging Parent" but I agree we need more articles on this topic. 

I often suggest to the community directors to invite the resistant resident to attend an activity. This is a great way to break the ice and have the resident interact and perhaps make a few friends, which ultimately calms any fears.

I was given this article by a case manager the other day...and use this to paraphrase my message to families especially this time of year...perhaps this can help overcome some objections to the thought of a move! 

WHEN THE HOLIDAYS TURN INTO A SIGNAL FOR HELP

by Emily Carton, M.A., LSW

It is not uncommon for the phones of a social service agency to ring after a major holiday. Family members who have not seen each other for a long time get together and may be shocked by what they see. Other families will see an older relative outside his or her normal routine and be dismayed by what they haven't noticed before. When an older person has been able to compensate for his or her decline by verbal and social skills, a family gathering is often the place where the decline is "seen," for the first time. What you will see might "hit" you like a slap in the face. You don't want to believe it's true but it's there in black and white: the unopened mail, the unpaid bills, the refrigerator full of spoiled food or refrigerator with no food at all. It may be the dirty clothes piled up in the bedroom of someone who used to be meticulous about his or her dress. Or it may be that suddenly relatives who have been out of sight are not remember. And sometimes, it is simply a gut reaction that something is not quite right.

What to do when you recognize that your older relative needs help? Begin by staying calm. Your inclination may be to jump in and try to resolve the situation all at once. This can be overwhelming as well as unrealistic. You panic. You think of what you have to do, when you can do it. You ask yourself how you have suddenly become the responsible person for your relative. Maybe you adore this person; maybe you never got along. You need to step back and view this from another angle.

This problem did not start yesterday. It was building over time. It doesn't necessarily need to be solved overnight and most likely, it can't.

You want to approach the situation without alarming the person you care about. Regardless of what you find the older person needs to be a part of the process. No one wants to be told what to do. Think of this as a collaborative process unless circumstances make that impossible. Saying too much or offering too much too soon, may make your loved one more defensive. Step back and slow down unless the situation is life threatening.

• Start with small problems. Gently offer to help tidy up the house or clean out the refrigerator while you are there. This may be the only way to gather information and get a better picture of what is happening. Think of yourself as a detective.
• Gather information. Know what services are available. Talk to neighbors. Let them know what is going on. Give them your phone number and ask that they be your second eyes.
• Arrange with your relative's physician for a full geriatric assessment to determine the cause of the problem.
• If your loved one is still in charge of his or her finances, check the mail to see if bills are delinquent or any large checks for cash have been written. Abnormally large checks for cash are often an indication that the older person is a likely candidate for exploitation. You can also talk with the manager of your relative's bank to alert you if any large amounts of cash are being taken. Find out if there is a power of attorney who can step in and take financial responsibility.
• Ask yourself before suggesting or arranging any service: Am I am doing this for my own peace of mind or for the well-being of my relative? Am I making decisions based on my values or am I seeing a potentially dangerous situation?

Hopefully, this scenario may never apply to you. However, because of the nature of our lives, many of us do not live in the same city as our older relatives. What we may find after not seeing someone for a long period can be alarming, but your relative may not experiencing it in the same way. He or she may be focusing on the pleasure of your visit. They may be in denial. They may not realize that anything is the matter. They may be trying to compensate for their losses. Try not to inadvertently take away your relatives pleasure at seeing you or his sense of pride by focusing too strongly on the things that aren't right. Instead, try to weave what needs to be done into the holiday. Don't let it dominate. The point of your visit was to celebrate the holidays. You can still do this. Regardless of what faces you ahead this is still a time for being together, reminiscing, and creating experiences and memories worth holding onto. It's important for your older relative. It's important for you.

Thank you for sharing this article.  It gives very good advice that i will definately want to share with families. 

Here's an article courtesy of Tim Burris that I use.

• I'm afraid I'm giving up my independence.
• I'm afraid of giving up my privacy.
• I'm afraid this means I'm going to die soon.
• I'm afraid of leaving my home which I've lived in for years.
• I'm afraid of the unknown.
• I'm afraid it will be an awful place with people I don't like or won't like me.
• I'm afraid it's too expensive . . . What if they raise the rent and I can't afford it?

• Seniors are interested in being active and involved.
• They see themselves as at least ten years younger then their true age.
• Seniors' anxiety about their age often is associated with an aversion to the health complications that will eventually place restrictions on their personal freedom.
• They want empowerment so that they can live fuller lives and stay in control.
• They are generally private people, especially about their finances and are comfortable with themselves. 
• They are family oriented, proud and independent.

FYI that changed the spacing on the article. It was laid out differently.

This is a great article!  Thank you!

This one is great, very personal!  I must get out to a couple of my family memebers!

Sometimes just talking through what is going on can realy help families to know what is "normal".  Often they have no one to confide in about their parent's situation and even if they do confide in them, everyone is concerned, but no one is sure what to do . That's where we can offer wonderful options that can make a difference. There is no cookie cutter solution for every family and their situation. I absolutely love the breath of relief at the end of a call with a family where you know you have lessened the stress. They have a plan of action and, instead of being frustrated not knowing what to do, they can start to make things happen.

What Are the Signs That Your Loved One May Need Assisted Living?

The spacing changed on that article, as well.  Another from Tim.

I always mention respite to resistant family or senior and have experienced much success with that! Most always results in a permanet move!

This was very good Mary.  Thanks!

Paul Hamilton

A Place for Mom

paulh@aplaceformom.com

What I have found with my families is that many times the resistance is two-fold.  First, for the senior it is a fear of the unknown mixed with their perception of assisted living being the same thing as the "old school nursing homes."  The best way to deal with this is to get the senior involved in the community.  Work with the community staff to help the senior feel comfortable by including them in activities, having them do a trial stay, & getting them talking with other residents at the community that had similar fears/experiences/backgrounds so they can know that their apprehension is a normal & passing part of this process.  

The second resistance is often on the part of the family members.  This resistance stems from a normal hesitancy to make such difficult choices, as well as a resistance to undertaking the overwhelming amount of work and time involved in moving someone &/or selling a home.  We can certainly all relate to this!!  I usually help my families to reaffirm that these choices are hard to make, but that they are making the best decisions they can for their loved one.  I also make sure that my families feel comfortable that they have gotten all the answers they need and have done their due diligence.  Lastly, I try to breakdown the tasks of moving & selling the family home into small, manageable pieces.  I give my families a checklist of what needs to be done and try to set a timeline for each task's completion.  This helps them to stay on track and not get overwhelmed.    

Could you post the checklist you use for moving the senior? I think that would be helpful information for our families.  I think this is the biggest resisitance I get from families -the overwhelming task of doing the inevitable.

thanks for the great input!!