A Place for Mom's Family

I feel so alone out here and just need to vent. My 84 year old mother with dementia came to live with us about a year ago. She's never been a kind, loving person but she's become mean and says the most horrible things. My husband is the most patient man in the world and we do everything humanly possible to make her feel welcome and cater to her needs. She even brought her little yappy dog that digs up our yard, barks continuously and annoys us to no end, but that's OK too, it makes her feel more at home.

I was in the process of changing jobs when I brought her to live with us but she's gotten to the point that I can't leave her alone and can't afford to hire someone to stay with her. We need my income, on a very tight budget, but doing what needs to be done. She only gets $840 a month in social security so we've been paying some of her bills for several years. She still has her house and all of her income goes to paying mortgage and utilities so we basically support her, paying for food, medications, clothes, personal items and even food for the yappy dog. She wouldn't consider selling the house or helping pay for anything. As she often points out, I owe her, she raised me and changed my diapers. A very unpleasnat woman but still my mother.

We're doing what we think is the right thing to do and don't expect gratitude but it gets very frustrating when she's mad all the time, calls me horrible names, and is impossible to get along with. I don't know what to do, usually go in another room and cry, but that doesn't solve anything. I have a sibling who won't have anything to do with her and is no help whatsoever.

Thanks for listening.

I hear your frustration and you are doing the right thing even though it can be at times painful.   You may be eligible to get a little more SSI or possibly SSDI as she has dementia so an increase for a few hundred dollars a month  may help.  Contact one of our local advisors in AZ to make sure you are getting the most out of your government suppport.  Medicaid  in CA also includes 12 hours of in home suportive services so there may be something like that is AZ to help give you some relief once in a  while.  Was your mom or Dad Va vets? There may be some support there as well.

 Please make sure you take care of yourself and that you  get a chance to recharge once in a while.  And venting is agood way to do that as well!!

Take care

Dear Irish Lady

In

Dear Irish Lady

Your situation does seem to be very frustrating,In Minnesorta we have a program called Consumer Directed Care that I am going to be looking into. After your mom spins down her income and applies to the county, there are different programs available. This one the state pays you instead of the county. You will fill out a timecard and everything. I am going to go to a meeting to get the details.Now my mom is on the alternative care program..The county pays for 4 days of adult daycare, her life line and diapersl She keeps her ss check,and pays for her supliment health insurance. Her house is paid for and is in a revokable living trust-basically owned by her and my siblings and spouses.She pays me room and board 450 a month, 88 to the county for this program and misc expenses like clothes,etc.My nephew lives in her house and pays for the expenses of the house for rent and he basically keeps it up. I don't recommend keeping the house like we did. It has been a nightmare.My mom has mod dementia, but she is still pretty sweet, but can be stubborn.We also private pay phyical therapy 2 days a week as we have a 2 story house that she has to walk up the steps to her room every night.,Are you in a caregiver support group? I have found them to be very helpful as others that have gone through this are good resources for many things.

Thank you for the wonderful information. I have no idea what resources might be available here in Arizona but thanks to you at least I know there are resources and I'll try to find them. No support group here, that's why I joined this group. You are my support and I thank you.

My Dear Friend,

I too struggle with my mom, who is living with me since April,( read my vent here"Is it Demntia") I cry too!!! my mom was never a real loving person and alway somewhat of an antagonist, but boy has it intensified!!! What I have learned as I went through a stroke and Dementia with my dad ( a more kind and loving wonderful man who has been delivered!) in a nursing home for 7 years..  First, get durable power of atty. get rid of the crap, don't let her go back to the house, put the house up for sale!!! this can be done with the POA! We aslo planned for this years ago, so mom and dad were off the deed it made it alot easier.   We are doing that with my my moms home here in PA, my sister lives in CT and has be in every other week to clean out moms house, we painted and took truck loads of crap to the Salvation army and to the dump.  At least my moms pays us rent $500, we too "borrowed "money from her and she wouldn't let us live that down, but we paid her back through, the rent she paid us!  instead of taking $500 we took $400 and $100 went towards what we owed her until we paid our debt.  She can be so awful sometimes and mean to my 6 yr old daughter, I try to shield her from my mom they have no relationship at all.  I never know"who" I will face on any given day. Will it be my nice mother who i can talk to or will it be "Sybil" It is a great struggle for me as well.  My husband is the most kind and patient man and the best son-in-law anyone could get, and my mom criticizes him and says terrible things about him to our daughter.  She is awful when we have company over, loves to stir up strife.  Keep the Faith my friend!  Don't despair!