A Place for Mom's Family

My youngest sister has assumed primary care for my 83-year-old mother.  She is her executrix and handles all of my Mom's finances.  We have an older sister in the same town, but she is not as involved in Mom's care for a variety of reasons.  Both my brother and I live quite far away (400 miles) from my mom.  While my brother seems content to let my sister care for my Mom, I try to stay very involved and fly down to see her about once every two months.  When my Dad died about 2 1/2 years ago, my older sister and I thought assisted living would be the best option for Mom.  But my youngest sister refused - and still refuses - to even consider it.  She has only been to one assisted living facility in her city and will not visit any others.  Her husband, I believe, has been a big influence on her, urging her not to put my Mom in a "home."  (Clearly they both have very outdated ideas of what is considered elder care these days.)  Mom broke her leg two weeks ago when she was alone in her apartment and is now in rehab.  I found out one of the assisted living near my sister will take a resident on a month-to-month basis.  The administrator said this would be a perfect chance for my Mom to rehab where help is right near her and it's a chance for her to check out assisted living.

HOW CAN I CONVINCE MY SISTER TO AT LEAST CONSIDER THIS??

Thanks for all your help.

Hello Bonnie,

I believe the best way to approach this is by suggesting a Respite Stay for your mother while she recuperates and completes her Physical Therapy. Unless your mother has somewhere else to stay at this time, it is hard to find a reason why such an arangement would not work to her advantage.

Respite stays are arranged for residents who plan to stay at a community for a limited time; usually for at least a week , but as you suggest can also be set up on a month to month basis.  A Respite stay will afford your mother, and your sister too, the opportunity to experience all of the amenities a community has to offer without committing to a long term lease.  Respite stays are also hassle free as the apartment is already furnished!

So, don't delay!  Call an Advisor from A Place for Mom today for information about setting up a Respite Stay for your mom!

Best regards,

Maggie

Hi Bonnie,

I am sorry to hear about your mother's recent fall.  Falls are one of the main safety concerns for seniors living alone.  

It is very difficult to live so far away and it can make family members feel helpless in assisting in care. 

Although her fall is so unfortunate, it can be turned into an opportunity to introduce assisted living to your family.  An assisted living can be a way for your mother to "step down" to home.  You can introduce the idea to your mother and your sister that the assisted living may be a way for your mother to get stronger after rehab and before she returns to home.  She would have her own apartment and independence, but the care is there if she needs it.  Your sister will probably have peace of mind as well that someone is able to check in on Mom around the clock for the initial time as she gains more strength.  In many cases, she would only pay for any care that she would need.  This is generally a less expensive way (compared to a nursing facility) and would also introduce assisted living to both of them.

I also advise family members that this is a way to ensure that Mom will be successful when she does go home.  You may use this strategy with your sister that this is temporary for Mom but will help to ensure that she doesn't go home before she is ready and risk another fall that could land her permanently in a nursing home.

It would be my hope for you that your Mom and sister might feel differently about assisted living after staying there for a month or so and are able to fully appreciate all the wonderful services (housekeeping, laundry, meals) and amenities (including full time activities director and transportation).

How does your Mom feel about this situation?  How does Mom feel about living alone?

Depending on your relationship with your sister, you may want to just gently probe her on whether these are true feelings and fears that she has for her mother or if this is more rooted in her feelings of guilt.  It may just take some time to introduce the positives of assisted living (socialization, med management, meals to ensure her nutrition) for her to understand that this does not need to be a negative.

This is such a difficult situation for your family.  There are wonderful articles on this site as well as please feel free to contact an advisor in your area to go over more strategies.  There are wonderful resources in your area that your local advisor will be aware of that will really benefit you and your family.

I wish you all the best with your Mom.

Warm Regards,

Michelle Aweshah

Michelle Aweshah:

Hi Bonnie,

I am sorry to hear about your mother's recent fall.  Falls are one of the main safety concerns for seniors living alone.  

It is very difficult to live so far away and it can make family members feel helpless in assisting in care. 

Although her fall is so unfortunate, it can be turned into an opportunity to introduce assisted living to your family.  An assisted living can be a way for your mother to "step down" to home.  You can introduce the idea to your mother and your sister that the assisted living may be a way for your mother to get stronger after rehab and before she returns to home.  She would have her own apartment and independence, but the care is there if she needs it.  Your sister will probably have peace of mind as well that someone is able to check in on Mom around the clock for the initial time as she gains more strength.  In many cases, she would only pay for any care that she would need.  This is generally a less expensive way (compared to a nursing facility) and would also introduce assisted living to both of them.

I also advise family members that this is a way to ensure that Mom will be successful when she does go home.  You may use this strategy with your sister that this is temporary for Mom but will help to ensure that she doesn't go home before she is ready and risk another fall that could land her permanently in a nursing home.

It would be my hope for you that your Mom and sister might feel differently about assisted living after staying there for a month or so and are able to fully appreciate all the wonderful services (housekeeping, laundry, meals) and amenities (including full time activities director and transportation).

How does your Mom feel about this situation?  How does Mom feel about living alone?

Depending on your relationship with your sister, you may want to just gently probe her on whether these are true feelings and fears that she has for her mother or if this is more rooted in her feelings of guilt.  It may just take some time to introduce the positives of assisted living (socialization, med management, meals to ensure her nutrition) for her to understand that this does not need to be a negative.

This is such a difficult situation for your family.  There are wonderful articles on this site as well as please feel free to contact an advisor in your area to go over more strategies.  There are wonderful resources in your area that your local advisor will be aware of that will really benefit you and your family.

I wish you all the best with your Mom.

Warm Regards,

Michelle Aweshah

 

Hi Michelle,

I really, really appreciate your sensitive reply to my query.  I have forwarded it to my sister - even the parts that you wrote (every so gently!) about her examining her motivation for NOT wanting to conside assisted living.  We'll see what happens!

 Best,

Bonnie

P.S.  Is your last name Arabic?  Or maybe Iranian?

 

Bonnie,

I really hope that your family finds the best fit for keeping Mom safe!  You all seem to have her best interest at heart and I know that things will work out!

Aweshah is an Arabic name.

Have a wonderful week!

Michelle

Hi Maggie,

I really appreciate your email.  In fact, the one assisted living facility that I have contacted suggested that my Mom "try out" the facility for a month.  My sister says she is going to visit them this week, and I am hoping against hope that she will come to her senses - as long as the facility is what it says it is - and give over the responsibility of my Mom to this place.  As must as I try to understand, I don't know what's going on in my sister's head thinking that she can do a full-time job (physical labor), take care of three kids at home and one in college, pay attention to her husband, AND take care of my Mom.  She must be going through some immense guilt trip.

Thanks again for your email.

 Bonnie