A Place for Mom's Family

I hope that in finding this website I will find answers, support, and friends who understand what I'm going through. I am currently the primary caregiver for my mother-in-law, age 72, who has required 24/7 assistance for the last 3 years. I attend to all her daily needs, meals, meds, bathing, etc.. She has lived with me and my family for 17 years. I have accompanied her to every dr. appointment and hospital stay she has ever been too. I have rarely left the house due to the fact she is bed bound. Although, my husband helps me tremendously with her care when he is home from work and an aid comes 3 days a week, I find if so difficult to find a sitter to come in and relieve me. There are other sibilings, although they offer no assistance with their mother. They visit once every few weeks for 30 minutes and go home to their lives. I've become so bitter towards them, also towards my mother-in-law, who doesn't deserve to be disrespected that way. I am just so tired and worn down from depression issues, health issues and not being able to go anywhere anymore. I want to place my mother-in-law in an assisted living facility, but my husband doesn't want me to. My sister-in-law goes crazy whenever I mention the topic. But, since they gave me the full reign on their mothers care, shouldn't I have a say in the matter? I don't exaggerate when I say that there is no help being given here. My mother-in-law keeps saying she doesn't want to move away. How can I help her understand that I just can't give her the proper care she needs? All her sisters and brothers agree with me in that she needs to be somewhere else. Yet again, there are no offers from anyone to help me make this transition become a reality. For her sake and mine, something has to change soon.

My heart goes out to you.  I have been where you are.  You MUST take care of yourself or there will be no one to help your mother-in-law!  I found that sharing with my mom MY troubles and how I loved her, wanted to provide for her but how it was affecting ME mentally, physically, spiritually in every way. She began to take a new look at what was happening and more willing to consider other options.  I also had to deal with spouse and family in the same way.  I ended up taking a few days "off" to go away and visit "a sick friend" (me in a hotel room with a spa!)  My family was left to care for mom the way I did with great notes from me on what must be done.  After 3 days, they felt I was overworked!  They didn't want to do it, especially after they realized what was done each day by me and they knew then it was a decision that needed to take place.  As long as I kept the focus on me and what I had to go through instead of my mom where she felt she had to be on the defense, it worked out much better.

 It was the decision to place my mother that ended me up in the job I have today!  It is not an easy thing to do even when everyone agrees and is ready for it!  Much worse when they can't see it.

 I found for me, when I resented my brother for not helping me it was really myself I was mad at.  I allowed them to back off and not help.  It was my willingness to do EVERYTHING that helped them only visit sometimes because they knew I would handle it ALL.  Once I said, "I can't do this anymore, so you need to come up with a different plan."  They began to work with me.

Once my mom was placed in a community that could meet her needs AND mine.  I was there more often visiting so we could just VISIT.  My family came a little more often because they no longer felt pressure or guilt of not doing things themselves.  They and I could see she was cared for and it was a big relief for us all.

May you be richly blessed for the tremendous job you've accomplished thus far and blessed further with understanding family members.   I will remember you and your family in the day to day decisions that are upcoming.

We finally put my mom in Encore Senior Village in Riverside.  WHere do you live?

 I've been with mom for two days and all ready I'm exhausted.  after reading both of these comments I felt like I was talking with myself.  Mom is living independently (bearly) and has been very resistant about moving to an assisted living center.  I'm so scared that she's going to fall or have a problem and no one will be there to help.  what makes matters worse is she's 10 hours away so it's a big deal to come see her.

so here I am.  the papers and house are a mess.  conversation is so negative ('so-and-so was beat so bad she almost DIED!' 'those people are just looking for a chance to steal you blind') or just gives you pause ('the reason the TV doesn't work is that the Obama adminstration is anti-elderly -- not because she screwed up the digital programing on the TV).  She has so much stuff: trinkets and worthless little doo dads that people have given her over the years.  I don't know where to start to jettason those (you could fill a gift shop).  

my brother and family are no help.  I've talked with him on several occasions about facilities and he feels that we shouldn't spend more than $600 a month.  he's in a dream world. all I get is a really bad headache talking with him or my sister-in-law.  I wish there was someone nearby who could lend a hand or provide some sanity.  with Tax season just around the corner I am still trying to get my head above water about what all is needed.  Big sigh!  it's all about little steps...

 

 

Dear rsjeffery,

How apt that you should say "after reading both of these comments I felt like I was talking with myself."  because I think that's exactly what you need to do.  In fact, you probably held numerous conversations with yourself in the ten hours it took to reach your mother's house, so what are your heart and head telling you? 

Let's try something here to help capture some of the inner-dialogue going on in your head and try using it to problem solve together...

For the sake of this exercise, I have cast you in the role of being your own best friend, so in the conversation to follow please imagine how you might want to respond to this dear friend of yours as she struggles to resolve all of the problems she's encountering with her mother's present situation.

Perhaps you could back her up the next time she encounters her brother's apathy by reminding her that to do nothing is a choice too.  Your friend knows that intervening on her mother's behalf is absolutely the right thing to do, with or without her brother's approval, so help her come to terms with that and feel good about whatever decisions she must make.   To a Friend in need you will be a "Friend indeed."

For the most part best friends offer straight answers to tough questions, but with the perspective of someone who really cares about you, so words of encouragement and lots of hugs are always included.  If you don't have this kind of support for whatever reason from family, maybe you can try providing it for yourself.

I'll take the first part of this exercise.  We'll use your comments as the dialogue for "Friend in need" and I'll be responding as "Friend indeed" in Act One.

 Act One:

Friend in need:

I'm so scared that she's going to fall or have a problem and no one will be there to help.  what makes matters worse is she's 10 hours away so it's a big deal to come see her.

Friend indeed: 

Of course you are worried!  I just read an article titled Senior Fall Prevention that I got from A Place for Mom and I was really stuck by the gravity of the risks for the elderly in this situation. Here's an excerpt from their article:  "A simple fall can change your life. Just ask any of the thousands of older men and women who fall each year and break a bone.  Getting older can bring lots of changes. Sight, hearing, muscle strength, coordination and reflexes aren’t what they once were. Balance can be affected by diabetes and heart disease, or by problems with your circulation, thyroid or nervous system. Some medicines can cause dizziness. Any of these things can make a fall more likely. "  (you can request the complete article from A Place for Mom)  

It's got to be even worse for you with your mother living so far away too.  I know that you would be checking on her everyday if you lived closer, but since that's not possible, were you thinking that it's probably time to address this before something happens and she really does get hurt? 

I have to give you a lot of credit too because you are the only one in this family who is willing to put your mother's safety before everything else.  It's certainly not about proving your brother's right or wrong either, it's just that having seen your mom's situation for what it is, how can you be expected to ignore it any longer? 

I know as a daughter it's only natural to want to protect your mother and keep her out of harm's way because you love her.

Do you want to try handling a "Friend indeed's" responses in Acts Two and Three?

Act Two: 

Friend in need: 

so here I am.  the papers and house are a mess.  conversation is so negative ('so-and-so was beat so bad she almost DIED!' 'those people are just looking for a chance to steal you blind') or just gives you pause ('the reason the TV doesn't work is that the Obama adminstration is anti-elderly -- not because she screwed up the digital programing on the TV).  She has so much stuff: trinkets and worthless little doo dads that people have given her over the years.  I don't know where to start to jettason those (you could fill a gift shop).  

Friend indeed: ...

Act Three:

Friend in need: 

my brother and family are no help.  I've talked with him on several occasions about facilities and he feels that we shouldn't spend more than $600 a month.  he's in a dream world. all I get is a really bad headache talking with him or my sister-in-law.  I wish there was someone nearby who could lend a hand or provide some sanity.  with Tax season just around the corner I am still trying to get my head above water about what all is needed.  Big sigh!  it's all about little steps...

Friend indeed: ...

Please contact A Place for Mom  for help, so you can get a better understanding of all the options that are available to help your mother including; home care, assisted living, residential care homes, and even assistance with financing.

God Bless you for all of your efforts on your mother's behalf and hopefully this will be some help tp you.

Love, 

Maggie  

 

Hi, I just joined here as well. I understand you so much, although, I have had it a bit easier, it just become much harder. I will tell you something from my own experience. I have been with my Mom for a decade and watched her through a Cancer surgery and all my siblings came to visit about twenty minutes and felt it was enough to say, what a good Son. I sat with her for hours after work, I myself have Rheumatoid arthritis as a young woman and it was hell. Well, now, I went to get away for seven weeks, I had people in place, not family, but a good friend. She and even my Mom knew, I had to have a life even if for a short time, i went to the UK to be with someone I love very much, well it was a disaster, after two weeks, my Mom was in the kitchen, she had a stroke and hit the floor, my friend was just out to the store, I mean, within minutes, her whole life changed and she was alone for a few minutes, are you starting to realize where I am going with this?

You have done something that is a rare gift for this woman, because you love her and her son etc. but you nor your husband can keep denying that she may no longer be safe at home, I was told at this time, today even, I cannot take Mom back home, it is different now, she is weak on the left side and cannot walk. I don't have the strength to even move her to change diapers!! It would be selfish of me to take her home out of guilt and fearing her being unsafe. Either way you do this, you will be running, however, if you can get her into a place for temp basis so she and your husband can see that this might just work out for all concerned, that it can then free you some personal space and your husband as well. I am sure he is fearing to even think, I want my own life too, if you are, then that is healthy, it's ok to want your own life. I must put mom in a facility, she was in one for rehab and wound up back at the hospital but after this, I cannot take her home and she gives me those eyes and I just can't breath from the intense look she gives me of fear and please don't leave me, I can't tell you what it does to me. But our friend said this to me.  You are not the one to make the decision, your Mom either, it's her body that has made this decision and you cannot ever ever take her home. No guilt, it's not appropriate. I am trying to fully believe that and entertain finding a way but I cannot and it kills me.

 

I know it's easier said then done but there comes a time when we must accept that we can no longer take on the full burdon anymore, and that's not uncaring, it's being realistic no matter the emotions that come from all this we have to carry with a loved one.

 

 

 

That's an extremely difficult situation you have and I really feel for you. Convincing an elder to move out is one of the most difficult things to do because if you insist on putting your mom in a facility without her consent then there's a chance that this might aggravate her condition. I mean her situation alone is depressing and hard for her so pushing her to accept your offer is not a good idea. Force is not the key here but you can try doing things one step at a time. Maybe she just needs assurance and you need to show her that even if she'll move away you'll be always there for her, the bonding will still be there and she will still remain a member of the family even if she's in a facility. Another thing that you can do is try bringing her in a facility, just let her feel what's it like to be there. It's important to choose a facility wherein she can retain even just a little of her independence, there will be interaction among patients and the environment is conducive for her condition. But if these things don't work out, then maybe it's time for you to look for a new caregiver. You can try home care agencies to be sure that they will always come on time and if they can't then the agency will provide a substitute for you. I hope these things help.

This is always a difficult situation and also a inique situation for each amply member and loved one. My advice is to go about it in a different way.Try approaching the situation from a different angle. Everyone needs a break including your loved one. In fact your loved one may be in need of a"vacation stay"a much as the adult child or caregiver. Find a community hat will offer a short term stay. It has been my experience that it is a win win situation. At the end of the 2 week short stay your parent will more than likely have a much different opinion of moving into a facility. Good luck