A Place for Mom's Family

A Place For Mom's Guide To Dementia Care At Home

Even though most dementia cases come from irreversible causes, there is still so much dementia care that families can do to help their loved ones continue to function as well as possible for as long as possible. Creating a safe, comfortable, and supportive environment for someone with dementia can feel like a daunting and even overwhelming task for the caregiver, but fortunately there are now some accepted standards of dementia care that can help guide families to care for their loved one. 

Researchers, doctors, and eldercare professionals are still discovering and refining what works and what doesn't when it comes to dementia care. A lot of different techniques and strategies have been tried, some with more success than others, but clinicians have found that there are some principles and practices of dementia care that can and do work more often than not. For example...

This article continues at Dementia Care and Alzheimer's Care.

My 85-yr old Dad is caring for my 85-yr old Mom with dementia.  Mom's dementia is progressing fairly fast & it is starting to take a toll on Dad.  What types of activities can be done with people with dementia?  Our Mom was never very social or went out on her own.  She & Dad were always together.  They are about to celebrate their 63rd wedding anniversary.  We have taken her for her first visit to an adult daycare.  It was semi-successful.  I took her & she was not aware when I left.  We left her there about 4 hours & when we picked her up, she cried like a small child feeling that we were not coming back for her.  We want to continue taking her so that it can give Dad some freedom.  My sister & I help him alot, but it is also very tolling on us because we all have our households.  I quit my job in 2007 to assist him & it is a daily thing.  She doesn't want to do much.  Whenever anyone visits, she wants to leave with them, but as soon as we leave with her, she wants to go home.  Some days I am so tired when I go over to help my Dad & she wants to come with me & all I do is put her in the car, bring her into my home & then she starts wanting to go home.  The entire ordeal takes about 1/2 hour.  She has developed a habit of taking things.  So, it is very difficult to have her over because she wants to take EVERTHING in sight.  At Christmas, every time she came over, I had to redecorate my tree & home.  She'll dump out my sugar anywhere & everywhere to take my sugar bowl, etc.  It is getting very difficult for all of us, but we are not quite ready to fully institutionalize her because she is too aware of what is going on.  My Dad will not agree to something like that.  Once her mind goes completely & she doesn't recognize any of us, he will have no problem, but right now, he is just not ready to do that.  What is the best way to handle this situation.  We've thought of hiring someone to come in & just babysit her while we take Dad out or he goes out & does his errands.  I would like to have ideas as to what types of activities can we engage her in so that she allows Dad time at home to relax.

My dad suffered from dementia before he passed away.  We could not meet his medical and social needs at home so he spent 3 years in a nursing home.  I covered the walls of his room with pictures that we talked about every day and played games with him that helped him to retain his cognitive skills.  He so enjoyed the activities at the home and the interaction with others of his generation that he is still missed by the residents two years later.  We found this nursing home through the internet (HealthGrades).  A number of us caregivers still volunteer there.  Yes, there is an adjustment period, but your daily visits and good nursing care can make a world of difference. 

My mother is 94 with dementia and she does 300 piece large format puzzles that I get online from "Bits and Pieces" or "Puzzle Warehouse." She spends a full 8 hours doing these puzzles while she listens to cds. She loves Bob Marley, Air Supply, any Christmas Music, something with a good beat. She knits at night but she is doing more and more ripping of whatever she knits. The puzzles are the best!

My 86 year old dad has dementia and my mom, also 86 years old, cares for him.  He is declining a lot...similar behavior to your mom. 

My parents live far from me and any of my siblings (in another state), so my mom is the sole caregiver.  We have arranged for regular, in home support - about 8 hours per week.  This has been essential for our mom to get the occasional breaks she needs from the constant, difficult demands of my dad.  We found some financial aid through an Alzheimer's Association grant, VA Aid & Assistance, and some other county social services.  I strongly urge you to look into some kind of care through a licensed, professional service.  Check with your local elder care social services agency for referrals to a reputable service as well as for any available financial assistance, if needed.

That is a great suggestion.  I am going to tell my mom about the puzzle idea and also the music!

Thank you for your suggestion of puzzles & music.  I'll let you know how it is received. 

Thank you for your information.  This has been very helpful.  The VA Aid & Attendance assistance you received is it because your Dad is a vet or your Mom?

Good luck.  I know how much harder it must be for all of you being far away.  On the other hand, it might be best.  It is very difficult to see them decline on a daily basis.  Basically, our Mom, as we knew her in 2006 & prior to that, is already gone.  We have a child with a completely different personality.  This is tough to take at times.

 Take care!!!

The VA Aid & Attendance benefit is for my father who served in WWII.  Surprisingly, a lot of veteran's are unaware of it - it's a cash benefit.

I'm so sorry about your situation.  It is so very painful.  Everytime I see Dad it breaks my heart.  The once vital, sharp, scrappy man is disappearing rapidly.  Please know that you are not alone in your anguish.   

My Dad is also a WWII veteran & he does receive service related disability benefits.  But, I will check to see if my Mom is entitled to benefits also.  My Dad was in Normandy at the Battle of the Bulge.  Where was your Dad?

My dad served in the Coast Guard and was in several places in the South Pacific.  To learn more about the VA benefits, visit http://www.vba.va.gov/bln/21/pension/vetpen.htm.  The application process is a bit tedious and it takes about six months to process, but it's well worth it.  There are non-profit organizations that can help you with the application.  Not sure your Mom would qualify...my understanding is the benefit is only for the veteran, not the spouse or family.  But don't take my word for it...

All this is great and wonderful but my mother completely refuses every single thing. I'm at my wits end and all I am now left feeling is resentment toward her.  She was never an easy person to deal with but now she's ten times worse. 

I can understand how you feel.  My husband and are trying and it is hard.  Mom came home from the nursing home yesterday after breaking her ankle in April.  After a few hours she was back to her old self and I am in tears. 

my dad passed away in april of 2007 and my mother was lost without him. she is now 94 and lives with me. shortly after my dad's passing i got her involved in large formate 300 piece puzzles that i buy online via "bits and pieces" or "puzzle warehouse." right now she is at the table doing her puzzle. she will spend a full 8 hours fitting pieces together. sometimes they don't fit but when she leaves the room i correct what she has put together inaccurately. if she is away from the puzzle during the day because i have taken her somewhere, she goes right to the puzzle the moment she returns home. it is truly a godsend. she listens to music like ABBA, Bob Marley, Paul Simon, The Pointer Sisters - anything with a good beat. because she has heard the ABBA all gold cd so often, she can now hum along. good luck!

I have just read your post.of June 12.  I feel the same way.  My Mother refuses all the attempts we make to find outside help for us and for her.  She is making life impossible for us.  I have two teenagers and I know they are feeling resentment towards her because we are not able to do things or go places because someone always has to be with her.  I am at my roads end; I love her but all  of us are miserable.