A Place for Mom's Family

     I've only been a caregiver to my Mother since the death of my father last April of 2007. My world, as I knew it, was immediately turned topsy turvy after the family service and tending to the aftermath of such an event.

     In today's society we all have stress levels in which we are battling just to survive and live a productive life. Since my life has changed directions in the middle of my journey, I have had to learn to adjust to the loss of a father and face the unknown of this disease that has inflicted my Mother and change my life of living from another state, leaving behind my husband, who is also a caregiver to his own ailing father, as well as keep my own sanity living in this situation. Mother became aggressive, verbally abusive after the funeral of her husband of 50 years, and this was not my Mother's nature as I knew her to be while growing up in such a loving and nurturing home.

    I paniced, became depressed, angry, furious at times and worn down from the events that were spinning so fast that I felt like I was lost in the world and no one was caring about it. Making the decisions and reorganizing the life of someone I love so dearly and thought would always be there for me when I needed comfort and care is at best to say, an adjustment. The tables of time have turned on me, throwing me into a tailspin of chaos and fear of the changing our lives as I knew.  When I would be impatient, she would become nervous. When I would be angry and frustrated, she would show the same emotions and lash out at me. This was not working well for me or her. I called in re-inforcement of my siblings to help us out. I would call to tell them and explain to them of "our day" and ask for help with whatever decisions needed to be made at the time.  As the days of adjustment were sinking in and settling into place, I was able to research and concentrate more on how I can cope and deal with our lives. So now, when Mother shows her aggressions, I take her hand gently, look her straight in the eyes and tell her with tears and compassion, "I love you, Mom". Then we would both calm down from the frustrations that were attacking us. I could then begin to breathe and relax with her.

    You see, I had to come to the understanding, through much reading and gleaning from resources of this afflicting and degenerating disease, that she also is feeling those same feelings that I was experiencing, but she doesn't understand why or how to deal with them. She can't show tears of grief or laughter, all of her compassionate emotions are hidden deep within her soul, but they are there, because she is that wonderful and loving Mother that I remember her as a young child. It is now my duty, with love and compassion, to not only see to her physical needs but to also feed her soul. 

    It's a learning experience and a never ending one for me. Day to day tasks are always changing, emotions of the days are always changing as well, but I'm more knowledgable of understanding these changes and knowing that each day is a "New Day" and learning that education and love along with compassion conquers all fear and darkness of the unknown.  

Hi,

My name is Denise Salabarria and I've been an Eldercare Advisor with A Place for Mom for 6 years now.  I want to tell you how inspiring your story is to me.  I've worked with thousands of families through the years and heard many stories.  Dementia is such a horrible disease and it takes a special person to be able to care for and understand the needs of someone who's suffering with it.

Your mother is so fortunate to have you in her life!  It sounds like you really have a true understanding of the disease and how to deal with it and care for her.  Here are a couple of great books to read to help you through this process.  The 24-hour Day & Learning to speak Alzheimer's.  Best wishes!

Denise Salabarria, Eldercare Advisor

A Place for Mom

Keep painting those rainbows, they will help you in the time to come. I feel your pain and you are completely correct in stating that aggression fuels the fire.  Looking back at many a day when Mom and Dad lived with me, then Dad passed and left me to care for Mom who developed dementia while living with me.  Alot of those days were not calm and of course, my siblings thought I was nuts with remnants of my childhood issues with her.  Today, we are having to place her in a skilled nursing facility due to complications that arose in her health.  my hat is off to you and i wish you and your mom well.

 One hour at a time Joani is the way I am painting rainbows. Thank you so much for your reply and best wishes. I know that you must be dealing with your own emotions at the moment and I can't imagine what that must be like for you, but I know my time will come. I too wish you the best and your mom too. Many blessings to you and your family.

 Hello Denise,

Thank you for your kind words of understanding. I will look for the recommending reading to add to my resources and to share with my family. I must say though, that it is a day to day learning experience since the disease is one that is constantly changing and I have to try to figure out those changes. I am the fortunate one to have this beautiful lady in my life, who is still teaching me without even realizing it.

Many blessings to you in all that you do for so many,

Rainbow 

RainbowPainter - what a lovely screenname. I responded to another of your posts in another section. Your story is heartwarming and similar to mine - as my family and I instantly became my mother's caregiver after my father's sudden death in 2000. We were truly blessed to have the experience of having mother live with us until she passed away and joined my dad in 2003. Remember to take care of yourself - yes - every step of every day is a learning experience.

Since I grew up in an airline household (dad retired from 33 years with the airlines), I recalled that the most important thing one is told  when flying in the event of an emergency is to put their own oxygen mask on first before trying to help someone else. This helped me to remember that if I wasn't strong enough - mentally, physically or spiritually - I was not going to be able to help my mother. I was fortunate enough to have a compliant loved one. We worked through all of the ups and downs and enjoyed three wonderful years together. We hospiced mom in our home and my sister (my only sibling) and I were with my mother as she crossed over to heaven.

 Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. There are some great resources out there to help with you as you care for your mom. Another great book is "There's still a person in there" by Michael Castleman.

Take care. Let us know if we can help you in any way.

Rosy Whittemore

Thank you for sharing your life with us. 

What a beautiful post!  I have read several of yours and commend you for all that you share and the enlightenment you provide other families.  You are right you are "feeding her soul."  I always tell families it is my true belief (from experience and education) those thoughts and feelings of her life (present and future) don't go away, they are still just trapped.  It is our job as caregivers to reach in, help her communiate those thoughts and convey her message, she still has one!  I find myself many times taking the same approach with my toddler who struggles to convey his own emotions or thoughts because of his limited vocabulary for his age.  His face lights up when he realizes I understand and can help, much like your mother's does (I am sure) when she realizes for whatever brief moment you understood her!  Thank you for all you do.

 Thank you all for your loving and kind comments of my post here. I am so inspired by all who are sharing their experiences, trials and awakenings in this forum. I look forward to sharing many more moments of the colors I find along my journey.

Many blessings to all who come to seek and find comfort within these pages.

Have a wonderful week.

Rainbow