Coping with the Guilt

I'm becoming bipolar

iobdennis — Wed, 01 May 2013 11:31:00 GMT

because of my mother. I can't live with her: she's suffering from beginning to middle stage dementia, but then comes out of it and acts like the mother I have known, and I feel sorry for her.

Helping elders find the best retirement option in Anaheim Hills, CA

ElderlyCare — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 09:23:04 GMT

Our mission is to provide assisted living facility to the elders. So, that they live a quality life by maintaining their independence and enjoying their familiar day-to-day home activities with the help of our thoroughly screened and well-trained staffs.

Article: Coping With The Guilt Over An Elder Care Decision

Admin — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:07:23 GMT

Coping With The Guilt Over An Elder Care Decision

"When I first asked my mother to move her answer was a definite ‘No!'" Lynn D. remembers. "To her leaving her home meant abandoning her life, including the memory of her time with my father. Even though I believe the change was absolutely for the best, I couldn't force her to leave that memory. After all, it's been fifteen years since my father died and I still miss him everyday. How could I do that to her?

"Plus, my mother‘s mind is starting to fail her. Would moving her into a new situation mean that she would lose all reminders of my father? Was being this cruel a risk I was willing to take? I even wrestled with whether I had my mother's best interest in mind sometimes. I experienced constant confusion."

Lynn made the elder care decision to relocate her mother after an incident at the hospital.

"My mother had fallen and broken her hip. She was sitting up in her bed when she made a fist and pulled her hand back suddenly, her target the unsuspecting medical aide who had called her ‘honey.' ‘Mother!' I said firmly. She struck me instead.

This article continues at Coping with Guilt over an Elder Care Decision.

Can we reverse the guilt?

Dean — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 15:22:12 GMT

Imagine a facility where your loved one would receive one-on-one care from 7 am to 9 pm, at a price that EVERYONE could afford. If there were such a facility wouldn't it be the right place to take mom or dad? I mean, I would feel guilty if I didn't, not because I did. The fact that the facility is in another country makes it a sacrifice on my part, but that is a sacrifice that I'm willing to make. Tragically, they no longer remember me, so the best I can do for mom or dad now is to just make sure that they receive Loving Care.

Feeling selfish and mentally exhausted

mariec — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 17:36:58 GMT

I am new to this site and thought it might be a good place to vent. I am not in as bad a place as most I have read about. I am trying to be a better person, I am feeling selfish and trying to get my thoughts in a better place to deal with my mother.

Due to cicumstances out of my control, mom came to live with my husband and I three years ago. She was 70. She could drive and take care of her life at that time. What she was not taking care of was her diet, she is diabetic, so I tried to help, best I could, to get her eating correctly. She would eat okay when we ate together but as soon as she was alone she would was just going to do what she wanted and that was that.

My husband and I live a very active lifestyle. We are gone most everyweek to a retreat we have not far away. We have been doing that since we married 13 years ago. With our busy schedules it helps us relax as much as possible these days. We have our own business we run, which is out of our home, so our schedules are not or can they be structured. There are days I am in the office all day and days I am gone all day. This being said, other family members fell like I don't really work and can do whatever it is that my mother needs without a problem. Silly me!

A year ago her health started to take a change. She falls alot. She started having side effects from Cirhosis that she was diagnosed with a few years back due to a medication side effect. I had to start taking her to dr. appt. because she was not remembering what they were telling her and not conveying to them any issues with herself. There are alot of things that have happened since, without going into a book about it, I found her unresponsive on her bedroom floor one morning. Turned out that she had fallen and could not get up the night before. Even though she has a life alert system that she doesnt think she needs. This led to a stay in the hospital for about a week, from there she went to a rehab facility to get some strength in her arms and legs, then to a personal care home, because the Dr. does not want her to be left alone longer than a few hours. She has been doing wonderful because of the structured invironment that she is in. She will not being driving anymore. She walks with a walker but still tends to fall. She is not happy there and wants to back with my husband and I and as fate would have it, the funds are not longer available to keep her in the personal care home. Looks like she will have to come back to my house.

I have spent many sleeples nights trying to do what is best for my mother. It has affected my life, busines and personal. It has taken a toll on my marriage I am depressed all the time. My time is never my time, between my mom's needs, my business needs and the grandkids needs. I started a small side business 1 1/2 years ago and now fell to guilty about it and have put it on hold.My husband is a wonderful man, but I cannot be there when he needs me to so often because of things coming up with mom. We had to re-build our business after it went under with all we own 4 years ago. We have finally gotten through the worse of it and seeing the light. I take care of mom's financial and personal world while mine is suffering. I cannot get over feeling like I am being selfish wanting my life back. I am so depressed I feel like I am mourning my own life. I feel like I have nothing left of me, I have emotional meltdowns weekly that only I know about, my job is to make sure mom is happy and as healthy as she can be. Is it normal to feel so guilty and selfish or am I just a bad person?

I love my mom and will do all I can for her. I know most of you are going through things alot worse than I am, I was hoping maybe ya'll have some coping tricks you could share.

go everyday

torkey — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:23:48 GMT

mom has alz 83 yrs old still functional but stays home. No short term memory and still likes to do everything herself and will not let me her daughter do anything its always a struggle to Do laundry, change litters wash dishes. She thinks she does things but doesn't. I try so hard go there everyday, days differ. But most days she says I confuse her. I know she trapped in her mind but so am I. I go with such good intentions but get stopped in my tracks. It creates such anxiety in me. She still knows me and my phone number. Do have people in the evenings just to keep her company and help with meals. Should I not go everyday in the afternoons. I say lets have lunch together and she says she's not hungery and that just because it 12 noon doesn't mean its my lunch time which is true as she gets up late. If I go later she says she ate but doesn't remember what. The guilt and anxiety I have is awful wanting to help and I cannot. Cannot feed the cats, she says she does. Which I feel she forgets. Should I just lay back ! Its hard because she doesn't scoop the litters!! I have to when I can. I have to sneak around just to grab her dirty laundry which I take home!

The guilt and the reality

mickymar — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Hello!

I am feeling very guilty as my mom from August 08 has been in a pickle.. August she had a heart attack, Sept she had a stroke and October she had pneumonia. The guilt is that I want to do what I can but I am facing an uphill battle. My mom when she had her stroke left her with aphasia. She will not give me power of attorney to deal with her affairs, but yet she get on the phone several times a week and tries to talk only to just hang up. Guilt because I have to pretent I am her when getting her finances in order. Reality is, with her short term memory loss I dont feel she will be back to herself at all, or it will take an awful long time. So meantime I am having to deal with stuff pretending I am her.

I dont really know why she wont give me power of attorney, all she does is yell NO and shakes her head no, yet she sees what I have to go through to take care of her stuff. Me I am bewildered and just dont understand.

Your thoughts are deeply appreciated!!

Mickymar

Assisted living facility

missPK — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:11:59 GMT

I hope that in finding this website I will find answers, support, and friends who understand what I'm going through. I am currently the primary caregiver for my mother-in-law, age 72, who has required 24/7 assistance for the last 3 years. I attend to all her daily needs, meals, meds, bathing, etc.. She has lived with me and my family for 17 years. I have accompanied her to every dr. appointment and hospital stay she has ever been too. I have rarely left the house due to the fact she is bed bound. Although, my husband helps me tremendously with her care when he is home from work and an aid comes 3 days a week, I find if so difficult to find a sitter to come in and relieve me. There are other sibilings, although they offer no assistance with their mother. They visit once every few weeks for 30 minutes and go home to their lives. I've become so bitter towards them, also towards my mother-in-law, who doesn't deserve to be disrespected that way. I am just so tired and worn down from depression issues, health issues and not being able to go anywhere anymore. I want to place my mother-in-law in an assisted living facility, but my husband doesn't want me to. My sister-in-law goes crazy whenever I mention the topic. But, since they gave me the full reign on their mothers care, shouldn't I have a say in the matter? I don't exaggerate when I say that there is no help being given here. My mother-in-law keeps saying she doesn't want to move away. How can I help her understand that I just can't give her the proper care she needs? All her sisters and brothers agree with me in that she needs to be somewhere else. Yet again, there are no offers from anyone to help me make this transition become a reality. For her sake and mine, something has to change soon.

Alzheimer’s disease: The dilemma of a Caregiver

tbrosius — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:13:29 GMT

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While there is no question that the early years of the disease cause anguish for the affected individual causing confusion, a feeling of loss and uncertainty. It is much harder on the families, as the disease progresses. It is not uncommon for caregivers to feel denial, anger, guilt and loss, all of which are phases of grief and mourning.

The difference is the one we see departing before our very eyes is not leaving through death- but rather through personality changes, memory loss, and the ability to process and think.

When a caregiver is so emotionally involved, it is difficult to effectively make decisions that are in the best interest for everyone. Because of this and personal differences, families are often torn apart.

Alzheimer’s disease is not the end of life, but rather a different way of living. We may grieve over the loss of who an individual was, but can learn to enjoy who they are becoming.

At Peregrine’s Landing’s, St. Therese Terrace, Western New York’s most innovative memory care unit; we are committed to adapting to the needs of our residents and their families.

Long term placement is not always the alternative, if families want to keep the care at home this should be their option. However, before a family reaches a point where they are filled with an element of resentment and guilt and lack the ability to be a daughter, son, wife, or husband they need to seek some guidance.

It may be as simple as a short-term respite stay to give families a break and regroup to seek other alternatives.

Sometimes just a caring person to listen can get you through a rough day. If you or someone you know is experiencing this very dilemma, call me, Charlene, at Peregrine’s Landing, at 893-3000. Let me and my knowledgeable staff assist in providing you with the support services our community offers.

Peregrine’s Landing Senior Community is located at 575 Cayuga Creek Rd, Cheektowaga, NY 14227.

Dealing with the Guilt...Dealing with the decline

Only Child — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 01:13:17 GMT

Hey Everyone, this is my first post. I'm new to the community. I'm starting to read the posts and replies, so forgive me if I am being redundant with my issue.

I'm an only kid of 38 yrs of age. My mom is 86. My dad passed away 12 years ago before the birth of my first child. I have a second son who is 9. I am married, but that is another story...hahaha.

About 5 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons, but she does not have tremors. Mostly atrophy of the legs. Almost since the time of my marriage 15 yrs ago, I had flown from Utah where I live to Pennsylvania where she lived to take care of the assorted health emergencies that arose with my parents. It took a toll on my career and our finances. So in 2003, I started my own consulting firm so that I could have the flexibility of taking care of, well, everything. Husband has been working nights for 12 years. Finally, in 2005, we moved my mom in with us. She rue's the upstairs of our 1100 sq ft home and we live in the unfinished basement.

Each year, and coincidentally around the Holidays, we endure a health issue. Last year after Christmas, she fell and to make a long story short, was in two different rehab/care centers. The one was located 3 mins by car from our house. We thought this might be a solution to her mostly 15-24 hr care needs with therapy, socialization, meals, and more. Nice people, great caregivers. However, after only a month there, and anger at me daily, even though I visited every day, I moved her back in due to the dismay of my family. She is hard of hearing and won't get a hearing aid. She is steadily declining in mobility and cognitively. She's mad because I work. She's just always rather mad...not pleasant to be around.

I love her dearly and accept taking care of her, but it's wearing on me - emotionally, physically, mentally. Yesterday, she fell in her bedroom. We're supposed to go - all of us with her - to Thanksgiving at my in-laws about an hour and a half from where we live. They want to take my husband, the boys and me to Disneyland for Christmas for 4 days with their grown kids & grandkids as well. Mom would not be able to make the trip.

I'm dreading telling her that I would like to go with everyone and have sought out A Place for Mom's for care options while we're gone. I would like to consider long-term care for her in a loving, clean, and modern facility. Forgive me for saying, but I pray that God calls her home to be with dad because she has been miserable without him for 12 years. I am a religious person, so I say this prayer not for selfish reasons, but for her happiness. However, after last year's 3 months of trauma and years of caretaking, I'm struggling to remain young and vivacious Mom is not mom anymore. There are some rare glimpses of her at times, however.

Any other only kids out there dealing with the decision making all by yourself? Any advice?

Thank you so much for listening!

making the decision

Carla Muller — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:19:23 GMT

In making a decision like this for a senior they have to feel like this is "doable". One of the ways I have made this decision feel doable is to have the "considering" senior meet one or more people who are already living in a community they are considering who experienced similar feelings. That can be in the community in the resident's apartment or the resident can always make a visit to the apprehensive, considering senior. This way the considering senior is able to look at this decision from "the other side". It is kind of like seeing the end of the movie first so that while you are watching the middle you don't have to be so anxious.

Enjoy a Guilt-Free Time Out! Try Respite!

Susan Ruff — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 22:31:42 GMT

Respite: Enjoy a Guilt-free Time-out
By Kate Murphy, RN

Why is it that the words “respite” and “guilt” seems to go hand in hand? Why do we as caregivers feel we are somehow failing our loved one by admitting that we need help, need time to recharge our batteries, or just need time to play a bit? Perhaps because so many of us still hold on to the myth that says the caregiver has to be all things to all people.The truth is, that no matter how we try, we are not super-duper caregiver extraordinaire. We are human with all the same needs and feelings as every other person in our lives. And, just like everyone else we need to take time to smell the roses.The thought of going away for even a brief time for many caregivers is fraught with fears of disaster and chaos because we are not there to over see everything. After all, we all know that no one can replace what we do as caregivers to our family member or loved one. And this belief was not so far from the truth. In fact, I still firmly believe that no one can replace the caregiver. The love and support we provide to our charge cannot be duplicated by anyone. Still, sometimes, it is OK to let someone else do the best they can for our family member, so that we can take time to regroup and in doing so, be ale to continue to be the wonderful caregiver that we have been to date. It is a simple concept when you think about it. In using the principals of respite we will ultimately be providing the very best care to our loved one that is humanly possible.As a caregiver it is important that we recognize that it is ok to take a break from our caregiving duties. It is ok to feel tired, and want to have a break from caregiving! Not only is it OK, it is your right! You are allowed to stay healthy both physically and emotionally. Actually, by not doing this you are helping to create a potential problem down the road. No one can keep going day after day without a break, sooner or later it is going to catch up with you, and not only will you suffer, but also your loved will as well.It is equally important to know that not taking that break can and often results in medical complications to the caregiver. If a medical emergency developed for the caregiver, who then will help provide the care to their loved one?Ask any caregiver who has been at it for any length of time, and you will learn that their own health has suffered when they failed to take proper care of themselves. Respite care is on way in which the caregiver can get this needed break, and hopefully do it without that old GUILT feeling creeping in. By taking care of you, and recharging your own batteries, you are ultimately taking care of your loved one. There is no need to allow guilt into the picture. All this will do is prevent you from reaping the full rewards of a true respite.Respite care can be anything from a few hours a week, to longer periods of up to two weeks or longer in some cases in order to provide care to a loved one while the caregiver takes a break. Respite Care provides caregivers the opportunity to:· Take a vacation. · Have a weekend getaway. · Attend to home or work responsibilities that have been building up. · Recharge their energy to be better prepared to provide the attention and patience required on a daily basis. Think about these principals to ensure your guilt-free respite:· I am entitled to take care of myself. · I am worthy of a break. · I am showing my commitment to my caregiver role when I take steps like respite care to ensure that continued quality care is delivered to my loved one. · It is OK to relax and enjoy other aspects of my life. · It is OK to take a break and recharge my energies. · It is OK to maintain as much normalcy in my life as possible · It is OK to continue to dream. · If roles were reversed, there is no question I would want my loved one to have respite. · It is right and responsible of me to also have respite. Respite solutionsSome short-term respite solutions include enlisting another family member, neighbor, or friend to stay with your loved one for a few hours several times a week. This offers an opportunity to the caregiver to have a “mini respite”. Activities can include, going shopping, to a movie, getting your hair done or having a pampering facial. For many who are not comfortable leaving their family member for longer than a few hours, this is an excellent way to recharge the batteries, and at the same time, do some SPECIAL for you.Often it is just doing a little something extra like this that can make all the difference to a caregiver who is feeling the stain in all that they have to do each day.Another option, one that I highly recommend to all caregivers is the scheduled respite in which your loved one is entrusted into the care of a respite service center, or perhaps another family member will take on the role while you have a much needed rest.Respite centers offer temporary residents a variety of services that meet all of their needs. From around-the-clock medical care to recreational activities, vacationing family members will be put at ease knowing that their relative is well taken care of during their absence.You can begin to locate respite centers, or respite services in your area by contacting your local bureau on aging. They can direct you to any services available. They can also provide information on what Medicare and Medicaid will cover. Another resource might be your religious community. Your local social service agency, the local chapters of Alzheimer’s Association, Easter Seals, or Mental Health agency are all resources that can help you to find the right respite care for you.So go ahead make a decision today to plan for the respite you so richly deserve, and need! You will be glad you did. And if you have not had a respite before, you are going to wonder what took you so long!

Moms losing house to foreclosure now subsidized housing

Irenee1026 — Sun, 29 May 2011 23:11:13 GMT

My mom won't move in with any of my siblings because we don't want my drug addict sister to come along so they are foreclosing on her house and they are going into subsidized housing! I can't stand the pain. I live too far awaynand aren't working enough to help out ..

My daddy...

dianek — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 06:23:32 GMT

...moved in with me 2 years ago. My normal life stopped and another life began. I was totally devoted to him, and I took care of him with no help from anyone except my wonderful husband.

Things were in turmoil this past week. Daddy, 87, kept wanting me to take him for a ride, and I told him I couldn't. I didn't tell him, but Mom, 86, was sick and in ICU. Wednesday night, I'd been without sleep for 3 days and I talked a bit cranky to daddy. Thursday, it really bothered me that I'd gotten irritated with him. When I got home from the hospital that night, he wheeled himself outside and I went outside and said, "Hey--I was a bit cranky with you last night and I am really sorry. I hadn't slept in 3 days, and I'm a hag. Smack me if you want to!" He grinned and I hugged him and said, "I love my daddy!" and I kissed him on the head.

Friday morning, he ate a good breakfast and I went to tell him bye before I left for the hospital, but he was asleep so I left. At the hospital, they weren't sure mom would make it though the night, but she did. She was much better and I even got her to eat! I was soooo happy! An hour later hubby called and told me daddy was dead.

I am devastated. I feel guilty because he told me less than a week ago that he wasn't going to be here much longer, and I told him he was fine and was going to be here for a long time. He wanted me to take him for a drive, and I wouldn't. What if he thought I was tired of him and he was getting on my nerves? I COULDN'T tell him what was going on with mom because it would've killed him for sure. What if he just wanted to spend a little alone time with me because he really DID know he wasn't going to be here much longer, and he thought I didn't want to be with him and was trying to avoid him?

My hubby and a friend were with him as he was dying and he shouted my name 3 times. It tears my heart out knowing that in his final moments on this earth, he knew he was dying and was scared and called for me---and I wasn't here. If I had been here, I know I couldn't have saved him, but I would have held him and talked to him.

I am so thankful that I apologized to him and told him I loved him the night before he died. I would have lived with that guilt for the rest of my life.

I really need to vent,,,,,

johnday — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 11:48:37 GMT

,,,,,and don't have a clue where to begin.

I am caring for my wife who was diagnosed with AD in 2004, but I suspect she may have had this terrible disease a year or so earlier. She has lung cancer as well, and has been given a year or less. She is in no pain, at least says she is not. I have not told her of the cancer, she is in the stages of AD she likely would not understand/comprehend the issues. I have had a number of health professionals agree with this decision, and her family, I think.

There in lies a bit of my problem. My wife has three sisters, the closest one lives over 200 miles away, but manges to "vacation" less than 50 miles away all summer, and has spent possibly 2 hours at our residence. One is a RN in California, 2500 miles away, who in the ten and a half years my wife and I have been married, spent a grand total of 2-3 hours around us at a funeral. The 3rd lives in Denver, 1500 miles more or less. She calls weekly, sends cards, and visits when she can, no problem. She's a great person.

I feel the other have 2 have actually ganged up on me. The one out in Cali, who admits she doesn't know me, sent a very scathing letter to Hospice of Michigan, describing my incompetence, and unwillingness to care for my wife. She hit on my "inability" to handle finances, my "inability" to maintain a safe home, etc. Basically tried defaming me as a complete inept boob.

The closest one visited us shortly after Thanksgiving on the way back home after spending a number of days at her vacation spot. I sensed there was a problem, but couldn't put a finger on it, until the nastygram was sent to Hospice, then things made sense, it was nothing more than a info seeking mission. And into the "feeding frenzy" go they. I had always thought I could count on the claosest one, actually thought the world of her as well. Was I ever mistaken.

I may add, that Hospice of Michigan has zero issues with my care of my wife, the condition of our home, and has even told me this when I asked if they could see anything I could do better.

It appears to be a control issue between my wifes sisters and myself. It's the old story, "I'd help if I could, but I can't" from the nearest sister. But she'll spend hours on the web finding info for me on issues I already have knowledge, and not once suggested I bring my wife to her house to spend some time with her. Both are bent on getting my wife into an AFH, even though she is beyond the pointe of any within my area of accepting her, basically a nursing home is the only alternative. I have chosen to care for my wife at home as long as I can, and my choice has been encouraged by hospice, they are the only ones that have given any meaningful support to either my wife or I.

How can people be so heartless? It's like hit 'em while they're down.

I won't mislead, there are financial issues due mainly to the economy and myself having to quit working. I know most of you realize that Medicaid wants you to be destitute before they'll help.

Well, any way, hope someone can follow these ramblings, and allowing to me to vent a bit.

Thankyou.

Mom has several health issues.

tillyburg — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:20:02 GMT

I just need a place to vent. All responses are welcome. My mom is 82 yrs old. Her health problems consist of COPD(she's on oxygen), Severe arotic stenosis, Bleeding AVM's in her large intestine. Since Dec 27 2009 she has has 22 units of blood, a Gi Scope to repair some vessel leaks. She held her own for about 2.5 weeks but just yesterday her blood was down. So we go for blood today and hope she keeps it. I am so drained. My mother has always relied on me to fix things and I can't fix this. I am 44 my dad died when I was 11yrs. My brother was older so it was pretty much me and mom until I got married at 27. The doctors ask her about pain etc.she says she has none. But she will tell me ALL her aches and pains. I just feel so helpless. My husband is a great guy, but I think he feels I can handle everything. I have broke down to him a few times but he doesn't know what to say. Mom won't got to an assisted living home so I cook her meals and get her pills around etc. I live 8 mile( one way )from her. I have 2 jobs and work about 12 hrs a day. Luckily my twin boys are grown and self sufficent. She does get an aid in 2 times a week to clean and help with personal stuff, but she is not happy with her. She said I can do it. I feel like I loosing my life. Am I being selfish? I just feel spent. I am on pins and needles all the time. I am so afraid something is going to happen when I'm not there. I call her earley in the morning so she take her thyroid pill then I go over before work and get her breakfast. I get her a plate for her lunch then I'm back there for a lite supper and more pills. I just am at wits ends and feel this could go on for years but I don't know if I have it in me. Well I must get going I am taking her for a transfustion today. I take her to the infusion center 1 hr away, get her settled. the travel 40 minutes to my work then go back and pick her up after my 1st job. Sorry for the typos. Tilly

Am I being punished?

myck69 — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 02:12:40 GMT

My grandmother moved in with my mother, myself, and my 2 year old. Now me and my mother works and my son goes to daycare. I recently broke my leg was left to maintain her care. Now my grandmother is 76 years old, she can walk on a cane but she is legally blind in one eye and has some sight in the other eye. She can see to watch television, watches for the mail, see people down the street that even I have a hard time seeing. This is where the problem comes in at . . . "I have always been the one the family that could always tell when my grandmother is not being truthful and I have been the one to always call her on it." She has two daughters; my mother and my aunt and they have never been able to call her on her mess but I do and have. They usual come and get me to say what they cannot. Now I can say full heartedly, she does not need to be in a house by herself but she does not need to be in a house with the demands we have to maintain the home. Her limited sight is why I say this because it really that bad but now this is the nightmare! She will not go to the bathroom and she tells my mother that she cannot even tell when she has to go to the bathroom but her doctor sees no reason why she cannot. So we bought some Depends that she refuses to wear. Well, over the past week she has been going to the bathroom, my grandmother has single handedly destroyed my mother’s living room set because she has done her bathroom business all over it, she has done the same to her rocker recliner, and her bed. I have to everyday start cleaning and sanitizing the house at 5:30 a.m. and it does not stop until 10 p.m. because the housing conditions are not livable or sanitary. My son recently showed me where she had a bowel movement on the dining room floor and she did not say anything, I recently went into the bathroom where she had *** all over the toilet, sink, tub, floor, light switch wall and when you tell her she gets mad. She has cost my sister an additional 600.00 because she rented a car to take her to see her friends that is two hours away and she as usual conducted her business in the car and she had to pay for them to get that smell out of the car, our home is a nonsmoking house and she was told that because it is in our lease. She goes in the bathroom and open windows that is hard for me to get open and smokes, she want to feed my son and I will not let here because she will not bathe or wash her hands so that means *** and everything else is still on her hand. We do not allow her in the kitchen because of lack of cleanliness, but she knows how to find the coffee maker make coffee all day long. She tries to con me to go to the liquor store for her and I will not because if you cannot care for yourself than you cannot drink. Everyone in my family can see we are going through with her but we not get any help from the family. They seem to think that if they put her in a senior citizen high rise she'll be alright. I keep telling my mother not to because if she goes there and do the same thing and she will because her house she left is not suitable for humans to live but she seems to think there is nothing wrong with it. She makes my mother feel guilty and the bad part is she gave my mother away as an infant and never raised her and she did the same for my aunt. Please help with some sort of relief because she is killing the both of us.

My life is in shambles

Maureen V — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 21:33:31 GMT

How does one even start to get help. I moved Mom in with me in August when it became apparent on that visit that she could not care for herself anymore. The repeating of stories had now become absolutely no short term memory, a life long smoker who could not walk ten feet without getting out of breath and complete sudden hearing loss. She reluctantly agreed but we started doctors visits, moved her out of her out of state home into ours (my husband agreed at the time). She fell and broke her hip at my home and the subsequent hospital & rehab stays exacerbated her confusion and memory loss, but I brought her home anyway as she begged me to. She started hallucinating visitors to her room and was put on resperidone. Wandering around at night meant a frightening experiment with Ambient (she has since stopped taking it) and no sleep for me and now my husband and I spend most of our time arguing - he misses his life before mom, I tend to worry too much about her and not enought about my relationship. Mom knows something isn't right, but is frightened to "be put somewhere" and also has no money except a little bank account and SSI. I need big time help, big time relief from guilt....can someone help! Sorry about the rambling

Maureen V

East Stroudsburg PA

Finding Something Positive when life just sucks

Bill — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 02:29:11 GMT

Hi EveryoneThis is my first post and I really need to talk about what happened last Wednesday....I had to put my wife Carol into an assisted living facility for her own well being and safety. I had wanted to get her into a day program there for people who otherwise would be at home alone. Last week I took her there to meet the people who run the place and see if she liked it. I guess that was a mistake because she didn't understand and thought I was going to abandon her and get rid of her...I took her home but she was convinced I wanted to get rid of her and for the past week she became more and more upset and agitated until she became violent. The past two days she's started to hit me. I couldn't control her. She was out in the front yard screaming and throwing things...I had to force her back into the house and she fell down going in...I almost couldn't get her up...I talked her into getting into the car to take her to the facility and when I pulled into the parking lot she tried to jump out of the car while still moving. The staff took over there and talked her into the facility..Thank God they don't believe in restraints there...Her doctor prescribed a stronger medication for her to hopefully control her anger and agitation....She was so upset today she actually hit one of her cats....he wasn't hurt Anyway she'll be there at least two weeks and then we'll reevaluate ..I'm hoping that she will be used to the place so I can leave her there during the day and bring her home with me at night...God I hope this works....It took me a couple of hours to complete the paperwork and when I left, feeling like total sh@t for what I had done to her, the staff had taken her outside for a walk and she saw me leaving. She started screaming my name and I knew she wanted me to help her....I couldn't look back. Even if she does come home in two weeks I'll remember her screaming my name as I left until the day I die...Carol started out Thursday by refusing to take her meds and became very angry. Lucy (the Director) talked her into taking the meds but they did little to calm her. The problem is that they don't have the right combination of meds to work the best in her. The nurse called Carol's Doctor and asked for help. Carol's doctor said to bring her in to Emergency. So they called me and asked me what I wanted them to do....DUH....Do what the Doctor said I shouted The Emergency room Doctor gave her a shot to calm her down...but they had to put Carol in restraints until the meds took effect and they could examine her. Some good came out of all this, they prescribed two different types of medication for the anxiety and agitation that hopefully will help her self control. It turns out that she also has a urinary tract infection that I didn't know about and they gave her antibiotics for that. The best thing is that the Doctor took a CAT scan of her head looking for any signs or trauma or injury to her brain. Carol had to remain sedated for this, she's SUPER Claustrophobic. Nothing unusual showed up, Thank God he found nothing to indicate a Tumor or Cancer.

I wasn't able to be there while this was happening...I was interviewing to hire two new employees...And the facility nurse thinks it's best that I not see her until she's had time to feel comfortable there. Poor Carol, she had such a hard day. After I left work I stopped and bought her a single red rose (red's her favorite color) then stopped at home to collect two of her favorite stuffed animals. The facility main reception was closed when I got there so I used the emergency phone outside the door to get someone to come to the door and promise to deliver them to Carol. Even if I didn't get to see her I feel better knowing she had a few of her favorite things...

So here's the thing....Carol's getting the attention 24 hours a day that I couldn't give her. This facility tries to improve the quality of life for the residents. The Doctor was able to examine her and found the infection which I had no way to do. And they've helped me to realize that all her agression was caused my the anxiety and fright she's feeling and not anything I was doing.

I'm not sure if it's guilt or if I'm wrong?

Daniel — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:56:59 GMT

Hello friends.

I've read so much here and the fellowship and support I see warms my heart. However, it also reinforces something that's been, perhaps, the cornerstone of my struggle regarding my Mom and her future care. I'm hoping I might receive some guidance as I'm feeling as far out of sorts as I could ever feel about her future. I can barely think about the subject without being overcome with emotions.

A little background:

I'm almost 40, married and have young children. It's been a good thing to have my mother live with us for the last few years - she's separated from my father and there's no support in that manner. However, my mother is not of advanced, mature years compared to other stories of, for example, an 80 year old parent who's physical health issues might be evident (not to suggest this is wasy for anyone). Quite the contrary, my mother is not quite 60, a retired professional woman who is as smart and intelligent as any person I know. However, her age isn't the largest denominator in why I'm concerned. It's her health. She suffers from fibromyalgia and problems that springboard from that (old knee problems are now severe, old shoulder and neck injuries much worse than ever, etc.). Sufferers of fibro also find that, in addition to the constant pain they also suffer from "brain fog" - essentially a diminished ability to think as clearly as one would like (imagine what it's like when you first wake up from sleep in the morning... groggy, a bit grey, not entirely "with it.").

It's for these reasons it's been a treat, a pleasure, and a comfort to have my Mom live with us. I work from home and am the primary parent taking care of our children while my wife is at work. It's been ideal that I'm here to keep an eye on Mom rather than working away from the home.

However, we've reached a point where she has taken several falls in her basement "apartment." Several have been close calls to more serious injuries and one involved a trip to the emergency room requiring staples in her head (essentially sutures). She rarely leaves the house, requires a walker to go for her walks, sometimes becomes disoriented (sometimes the brain fog kicks in while she's out and about), and she can barely get up the stairs from the basement to come out of the house. Sometimes she simply trips, looses her balance, her knees buckle, or similar causing her to fall.

I no longer sleep in bed with my wife so that I might, instead, sleep on the floor of our living room so I can be nearer the downstairs door and in a better position to hear her if she takes a fall and needs my help. She now has a whistle she wears around her neck just in case. However, I, of course, worry that some "thuds and thumps" I hear may be serious - making her unable to blow her whistle to signal me for help. Most of the time it's nothing... she's a night owl contrary to the rest of the house and is usually just bumping around doing normal things. However, sometimes it's been a fall. More than a few times I've had to go down and help her off the floor as she is overweight and unable to lift herself (and her poor knees make it hard, too).

I'm a former firefighter and perfectly able to lift heavy weight and even trained in patient transport. However, I've found too many occasions where I injured myself for the sake of getting my Mother off the floor when she couldn't help herself - as it beats the alternative of times where I came down later the next day to find she'd fallen hours earlier and was merely waiting for me to come down and visit her - or eventually come down to the laundry room. Sometimes she's fallen several hours earlier and had to resort to sleeping in the floor... waiting for somebody in the house to stumble across her.

Needless to say I barely sleep anymore. I'm on such high alert that I vigorously wake myself up at many more noises I hear at night and often discreetly investigate by going downstairs, sometimes without her realizing I've checked in on her. This happens usually every night or two... sometimes more than once in a night, typically 5-6 times a week. I'm often sleep deprived as it takes me a long time to settle back down after startling myself awake to thuds and thumps I hear and I know I'm surely missing quality sleep because I try to maintain a vigil with "one ear open" as it were. Going up and down stairs to check on her means I often take an hour or two to fall back asleep.

The one time we discussed these things it went poorly for both of us. I let my worries speak very clearly - as you might have gleaned from what I wrote above. She insisted it was all my choice if I felt the need to do these things - while I insisted that my concern for her leaves me no choice but to worry.

My wife is concerned for all of us - my Mom and myself. She's very supportive and wants to make sure she respects the "it's your Mother" position but she's equally worried about my Mom's declining situation. We simply can't afford to make our househould basement into the model of handicap accessibilty or safety. Mom Mom would stumble and fall in an empty room - handles, rails, etc. only solve some of the problem.

At this point, I also barely leave the house and I have two young children who want to go out and play (requiring my supervision). Our family rarely goes away for many hours at a time in case my Mom takes a spill and would possibly be injured for very long without someone being home. Our worst fear happened while we were on vacation - she fell. Fortunately my Sister was staying over during that time but it's a miracle she, herself, wasn't away at work. Again, thank goodness I work from home. However, I realize now I'm feeling compelled to stay close and whether it's justified or not, it's interfering with other things like taking the kids to the park for a few hours, to the mall for an afternoon, etc.

I simply don't know how much is my own imposed mental hangups, emotional inability to see the situation for what it is, or maybe I'm seeing a situation somewhat clearly and worried the next step will come because of a crisis... rather than planning - for her future?

My ego isn't an issue. Please, if anyone has any guidance - even to tell me I posted in the wrong place and where I should instead go, I'd be grateful. I've tears streaming down my face now having typed all this and I can't find anyone who can related to me because I'm not talking about an 80 year old Mother who fits some stereotype of a person considering assisted living. People have no advice for me because of we seem to be counter-stereotypical. Her age brings an element that's hard to reconcile with the usual advice - she's not quite 60. Her moments of full-focus, clear-headedness, do too - she's not requiring me to exert authority over her. It's just when everything conspires against her health and mental ability (sometimes for days on end) I feel like I'm putting as much concern into her well-being as I did when my children were infants... except my Mom's future isn't expected to become improved or independent... quite the opposite.

She requires my sister to visit and help with laundry and to get her groceries (as my wife and I are about maxed-out with time ourselves). She can't often deal with making phone calls to deal with subjects about bills, insurance, etc. as it's mentally and emotionally too much - she just isn't up to it. Essentially, we're having to take care of her for all her essential needs and watch over her for safety - heartbreaking for a woman who was as strong and professional as any person I've ever known. We're just worried her days living in this househould environment are nearing an end purely for safety reasons but I'm feeling guilty as well that I'm not doing enough but not sure what more I could do? I think I'm letting the toll come out of me so that it doesn't come out of my Mom or family more than it already has? I don't know if I have a sound perspective anymore due to my worry, lack of sleep, and guilt?

She loves being in the same home as her grand children - she's even said it's the highlight of her day when she can see them, but there are many days in a row where she simply doesn't feel up to seeing them. I don't know if the proposition of finding a new assisted living situation away from her grand children would be something she could cope with? I feel torn between the emotional joy that brings her but also as-if my kids are emotionally held hostage that I mustn't do anything to separate my Mom from them?

As for possibly heading toward some type of assisted living we're worried about her ability to find any options due to her living entirely on disability and medicare, her requirement for several important medications, etc. This is even if I could figure out if I'm over-reacting, making matters worse, or even being able to talk to her.

Thank you so much, for your time in reading. I could only hope I might be able to help somone else here, too, but I don't think I have much to offer - obviously I'm not well-equipped to sort much out in my own situation.

What Do Seniors Love?

Ken Carlisle — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 16:57:22 GMT

Seniors still love to travel. When they were young, most seniors looked forward to a time when the kids were grown so they could travel. Many did. Then as they aged, the travel years passed, but they retain wonderful memories of their adventures, and guess what? They still wish they could travel, because . . .

Travel was so exciting – getting ready, getting there, and seeing the world.
Travel included loving spouses and close friends.
Travel photos and stories where such fun to share upon return.

Well, at Ventura Place our residents still travel. Dozens of members of our World Travel Cub receive invitation tickets and meet every Monday Night to visit a country or special site, by viewing a DVD on our big-screen TV. They eat refreshments, share experiences, look at maps and models, ask questions, and get excited about travel once again. Every member has a passport that is stamped with the country or attraction that they visit, and they win a nice prize after visiting ten locations. Last month Ventura’s World Travel Club visited Costa Rico, France, Italy, and the Coral Castle in Florida. The Club grows bigger every week. Members all report how much fun it is to travel again. Even if they don’t actually leave the building, for this short moment life is right again! So seniors “Love” living at Ventura Place because we still travel. Call for this month’s World Travel Club schedule. You’re welcome to attend – it’s not just for Ventura residents. We’d be happy to share our ideas and materials with you. Send a Referral Did you know that Ventura Place pays a referral when a person moves in and stays three months? You share the name and contact information, and we do the rest. How much does Ventura Place pay? $1500.00 If you know someone to refer, give us a call at 806-785-5565. Involve a Friend We “try to” email a different “What Do Senior’s Love” tip every week. (Just let us know if you don’t want to receive it.) Please forward this email to any interested friend, or better yet, send us the contact information and we’ll send you two FREE tickets for a wonderful meal in our dining room.

Far Away & Getting There

PAL — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 14:42:06 GMT

Elder parent, and being elderly yourself, and then add on ''far away'', and then getting there.

I'm an only child, with no one to share the burden, other than my adult children, the Grands.

Mom has been good for years in her own home. A whiz with her own finances and running the home.

Then a Resolvable Stroke in July. We all (kids and I) have been back and forth, from the Mid West to California spending weeks at a time. We cannot keep up with this ''travel'' expense. However, Mom, does not want to leave CA because of her HMO which doesn't exist where we live.

This past week she fell, a neighbor got her 911 and a trip to the Hospital. She has been taking a medication that has side affects of hallucinations and hearing music. We worked on withdrawal from that...and then this. Is it the meds or stroke results, she is confused and suffering mild (I think more than mild) dementia, in the hospital, and I'm dealing with this ON THE PHONE.

Guilt: 2400 miles, a business I must make arrangements for in this economy, I am ''the only one'', asking adult children to come with me, I am elderly and partially disabled, dealing with doctors who seem to think I'm uncaring by being slow to arrive, neighbors taking on the visiting responsibilities, and I HAVE HIRED SENIOR HELPERS to help every other day in the home, and for transportation, etc etc....now doing the visiting. Am I really so bad? Thanksgiving Holiday and weather was a real issue with Air Transportation.

I will be there end of week, with a kid or two helping me, risking their jobs (they have already been there helping this past year)....

Now...how do you ask an 88 year old woman to move, to sell her house and leave her home city, and come and live with you...(I don't ..her orders are no living with family..), so come and live in a Senior facility near you? Do I tell her? My Mother?

I have all legal issues complete,...they have been for many years, and a local CA attorney who is my Mother's friend. I'm sure we'll work out ''what is best''...but none of that will be what makes my Mother happy. She already hates me because I've gained some control, (what she has relinquished), but she resents ''not doing it herself'' (at this point tho things have deteriorated to the point I'm not sure she even knows who I am). She isn't sure where she is.

I'm rambling, and not saying this right.

Anyway, GUILT GUILT IS KILLING ME, and I'm shouting that. I am going to see my Physician this week to cancel my medical, and get prescriptions and tie up the loose ends, set up online, for business and go ''home''.

A cousin in CA is dealing with a similar issue, and led me to this website and community and to the person who will call me sometime today.

I have options?

I have Senior Helpers in the home, do I hire them 24/7 and allow Mom to llive at home, being angry cause they are there?

Do I put her in a Home of some kind and only visit a couple times a year?

Do I drag her off to another state and change her Hosp Ins and unfamiliar doctor and scare her?

If she doesn't know me, or care, does this make a difference?

Should I be kicking myself because life's circumstances are just so twisted for me?

Where does Guilt begin and end?

How can I sell her home right out from under her?

Are familar surroundings most important?

How important is it that I in my elder years find some peace and convince myself that I'm a good daughter and not a selfish one?

Where does guilt begin and end? Where does common sense and reality re: money, the facts, reality enter in, and will I be able to live with my decisions, and still have some quality of life for me?

In the end is it all about me, because I've made the wrong decision?

It's not about me..................I'm the tool. It's about Mom.

Why am I whining?

Why can't I separate the issues into intelligent columns and then make intelligent choices and then feel good about it?

Why?

PAL................dying here in the Midwest, preparing to travel.

Wild Geese ~ A Poem by Mary Oliver

Merret Anne Mann — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 17:34:30 GMT

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. Mary Oliver

Guilt

Rabbi Scott Saulson — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:36:17 GMT

Guilt is a conscientious response to having done wrong by ommission or commission. Fruitfully, it leads to some kind of reparation and atonement with the offended -- self or other. If no wrong is done, or if circumstances during which certain commitments were made have significantly changed, then guilt is inappropriate. Moreover, feeling such unresolvable guilt only leads to resentment if not a real wrong itself. Most often what is attributed to guilt is really sadness. We deal differently with sadness than with guilt, from the time we are little right through our whole lives. The beginning of emotional health is distinguishing one mood or feeling from another.

Respite a necessity for caregivers

Natalie Charette — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 01:08:40 GMT

By Tamera Manzanares

Monday, November 30, 2009

Caring for a family member with a disability or chronic condition does not come with a road map. Individuals often assume caregiving responsibilities without knowing what tomorrow or the next day will bring.

Intently focused on another person’s needs, they tend to forget their own.

Before long, they may buckle under the weight of stress; becoming sick more often, depressed or bitter as they struggle to balance life and caregiving while lamenting freedoms they used to enjoy.

This situation can catch up with a caregiver who over-estimates the duties they can carry while under-estimating their need for breaks or respite.

“Respite is not a luxury,” said Barbara Bronner, who leads a support group for caregivers of people with Alzheimer’s disease and other types of dementia. “If someone wants to be there for a loved one for a duration, they really need respite.”

More than 50 million people care for chronically ill, disabled or elderly family members annually, according to a survey by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Studies have shown these caregivers are at a higher risk for chronic conditions, depression and anxiety than non-caregivers.

The risk of illness among caregivers has helped spawn a spectrum of support services. Among these are programs that care for older adults in home-like settings while caregivers take a breather.

Local caregivers and care recipients now can take advantage of overnight respite and adult day programs.

Click here to continue to read this article.