A Place for Mom's Family

Hi Daisy,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. You sound like you know where you want to go... towards the ability to create better boundaries and make more compassionate decisions for yourself and your mother-in-laws care.  Both commendable characteristics for all of us to strive for!

You are in a difficult position, as history dictates that your mother-in-law was very abusive even in her youth.  It is hard to not carry the baggage/issues forward.  If there hasn't been any healing communication between now and then I imagine that the recent verbal attacking has a snow ball effect on an already tenuous relationship.  From what you have shared it sounds like she has been difficult with all of her children and that this is her M.O. within her family at least.  It maybe the dementia or as you say the nasty side of mom, either way trying not to take this personally would be a first step forward.  And I believe that we need to put the "Oxygen Mask" on ourselves first.  Make sure we are fortified and feeling strong before entering any "danger zones". 

I can never say this prayer too many times, hope it helps brings some strength and peace to your experience Daisy:

The Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can,
and the Wisdom
to know the difference
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's now October 2010, my journey dealing with Alzhiemer aggression is over, I have buried my mother.  Up until the day she died, she needed to be medicated to avoid outbursts of anger, beligerant attitude, combativeness and verbal abuse.  It is sad that this disease is so widespread and that someday it may affect me.  Maybe, I will look back on this thread so i can understand,  should I be unlucky enough to act in the same manner.....God forgive me should that happen.  I want to thank A Place For Mom website, eldercare advisors and all of you that have to struggle as i did with an Alzheimer's family member.  It did help, the articles, the support and knowing that i was not alone in this journey to understand why my mom did and said the things she did because of this disease.  The one good thing I can say about this disease is that it may help those who have it get through the other medical issues in their life because they don't realize what has happened to them most of the time.  My mom had diabetes and vascular disease as well.  When we had to remove her leg, it seemed as if it did not bother her and was no big deal as it would have been should she have been in her right mind.  That was our only saving grace during these last years with her.    I can only offer comfort in knowing that my mother is in a better place now and I will miss her terribly.  I won't miss the aggression witnessed due to this disease and I pray that medical research comes up with a cure and the world has a better understanding of this disease and it's effects on people in the meantime.  Good luck to all of you going through this hardship.  May God bless you all.

 Joani

Merret,

Thank you so much for the reply. You seem to be a very wise woman. That is a good prayer to remember.

I am beginning to see the same signs of mental decline, that my mother-in-law is displaying, in my husband. I feel like I am going to drown. I see all of the dreams I had for retirement, and life in general, going up in smoke. Sorry, for the me, me, me. 

I am getting out of bed early  to  pray and meditate and I am getting in some badly needed exercise.  This morning my  goals is to give thought to finding new interests...activities that will give me joy... and to look closely at my blessings, although I am having a bit of trouble with these dang tears getting in the way of good vision.

My manta lately has been to honor my Mother. As hard as I looked I could not find it written anywhere "honor her if she is a sweet little old lady". I know for certain though, that that package does not come with allowing her to abuse me.

This is not just about me. How can I be of support to you?

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mother. I suspect that her recent behavior is forefront in your mind right now, but I hope you will soon be blessed with the good memories to carry with you for the rest of your journey here.

Daisy

My husband has dementia cause from lackof oxygen to his bain. He had both arteries operated on and they said the damege was too late. Anyway he has all of the same problems you have mentioned,but htey occur when it is just me and our children think I am a raving lunitic.2 live out of state and two liv aroundhere but only stop for half hour to hour visits. They say it is because I try to put dad down, and it is my lies that are the problems.

 Great article containing full of information. Thanks for sharing.....

Welcome to my world. My mother has advanced Alzheimer's and has exhibited all of the behaviors you have listed, and then some. My mother has become combative in public on more occasions than I can remember. She was bad BEFORE we lost my father a year ago to Parkinson's disease. Her combative behavior has become much worse in the past year, and overall, her behavior and her condition has gone downhill on a skateboard. I cannot stand to be around her for more than 2-3 hours per week. In fact, I have orders from my internist and my counselor to limit my exposure to her. I was feeling suicidal before my father passed. I had been their sole caregiver for 3 years. I have a so-called sister who was as useless as *** on a bull. My mother has humiliated me in public so many times. I fear that one day I will grab her by the arm and end up getting arrested for elder abuse. I read on an Alzheimer web site earlier that, when an Alzheimer patient becomes aggressive and threatening, family members should call 911 and have paramedics deal with them and take them to the hospital for a geriatric psych evaluation. I will have no qualms in doing this in the future. Better that she end up in a psych ward than me ending up at the jail. My mother, by the way, has been physically and mentally abusive to me for as much as I can remember of my 60 years. After all, it was MY fault that I was born just 15 months after my worthless sister, and my mom was not able to have more children after me. I am tired of everyone telling me to shrug it off -- it's the disease doing the talking, not her. She has enough cognitive function left to know exactly which buttons to push in order to figuratively stab me right through the heart. She even slapped me twice one day at a restaurant for speaking Spanish to a friend. The guy works there and still remembers the incident a year later. I wish the doctors would put my mother on antipsychotic medication to calm her down. The problem is that researchers have found that the drugs shorten the lives of elderly people. So? My family and I should prolong our agony by not controlling her with medication? We cannot legally restrain her physically. We are caught between a rock and a hard place...

Anti-psych drugs will not calm her down and it has become a very huge problem across the country for those with alzheimer's being given these drugs. The best drug i found to keep my mom calm was Ativan and it was given daily as she got worse meaning the combativeness and aggression came everyday. I understand your issues and have been there and done that. You have alot of anger built up toward her for the abusiveness she dished your entire life. If you believe in karma, you are witnessing it's wrath in what this disease has done to her already. As her daughter you can ask her doctor to try meds other than anti-psych meds so she is not so abusive to you and her caretakers. I placed my mother in a nursing home when it got to be too much for my family, but then a whole set of new issues will arrive for you to deal with.... wish you luck and use this board to sound off, it helps to know others understand your feelings toward her. I wish i could say remember the good times, her smiles, holidays. use music to soother her moods and yours. it really helps. when she starts to berate you, walk away, don't yell back as it only makes it worse. Smile at her and tell her you love her, turn on soft music and go back when she has calmed down. Get with her doctor for the meds but they will make her a little loopy but much better than nasty.

My mother has been on Prozac for several years to help with her combativeness. Doesn't work. We tried clonazepam and that had side effects. If there was a bottle of Ativan around, I would be tempted to take them myself . Thanks to my mother, I am taking 150 mg wellbutrin sr twice daily. I also take 100 mg daily of sertraline and 10 mg daily of zolpidem for sleep. I have to knock myself out every night, and that doesn't always work. I have no health insurance, so I cannot afford counseling. I alternate between episodes of feeling suicidal and feeling as though I should try to be self-admitted for a 72 hour psych hold. I often think of how much nicer things would have been if my mother had passed first. Dad had Parkinson's with NO dementia, and he was a kind and gentle soul until the day that the angels came to escort him Home. His nurses always remarked on what a polite man he was -- always thanking people for things they had done for him. He lived through 17 days of hell last February as he struggled to breathe with a chest full of giant pulmonary embolisms. He left us 2 hours after receiving the anointing of the sick...

My experience with mood altering drugs was not a good one and it sounds like yours is not either. The anti-depressants and sleeping drugs might be why you are having a hard time coping. I weaned myself off of them and felt 100% better and was able to cope with my mother thereafter from a more objective standpoint. It was not easy and took a few months but well worth it. You may want to try to get back to your normal state of mind first before tackling a loved one's needs. If you are not well, you can not possibly handle it. I suggest you look up the local department of elder affairs for help as a caregiver to help you understand the stresses of it and the disease itself. I found researching the disease helped me stop placing blame toward my mom and helped us to get along much better because i could understand the different phases of it and how she reacted to different environments. Only with understanding will you be able to sustain a relationship with her, but you really need to work on yourself first so reach out to the programs available in your community for support.

I have a relative with alzheimers but we never witnessed her get aggressive. Knowing that some patients do get aggressive is heartbreaking. It is already very tough to take care of a relative with such illness, what more if there is the possibility of being harmed. I admire all those people who take care of patients with alzheimers selflessly.

My mother in law has been violent for the last year and a half, she has been hospitalized twice for violent behavior, and several other times for falling. The worst was the time she threatened a nurses aide with a knife. She is 92, has a diagnosis of moderate to severe alzheimers, and can really be a handful. She is in a nursing home because my husband and I could not prevent her from walking until she would fall. The falls became progresively worse, the most recent one being serious. She was tried on aricept, ativan, haldol, depecote and is now on resperadol. The medication that has really changed her is the resperadol. She is still confused and delusional, but no violence for two months now! Having been thrown out of one nursing home, for the violence, and having another refuse to readmit her we really did not know what do do with her next. We did not feel safe with having her live with us. What finally worked was being hospitalized, started on resperadol and then admission to a Alzheimer's unit. I realize many families would not have the money for this, but the alternative was that she would have either seriously harmed someone else or herself. We are sure that she, and anyone she encounters are better than before. Basically I believe that if you can stop or prevent violence you should.

 Daisy,

See if you can find a Geriatric Psychiatric Nurse Practioner in your area, http://www.gmhfonline.org/gmhf/find.asp 

We have a secured memory care unit in our community and we have seen a signficant decrease in behaviors since utilizing our Nurse Practioner. When you call ask if they have Out Patient services (they'll come to you) and will bill Medicare/HMO directly (you'll need to have them verify benefits). The Nurse Practioner will help determine which medications/dosages are best for your mother in-law, as pharmacology for dementia and alzheimers is unique to each patient and changes as the diesese process progresses. JOIN a support group. There is comfort in support and power with knowledge. Empower yourself and your family from the experience of others.

More importantly, remember that she can't. She doesn't remember the horrible, nasty words she uses but she does FEEL how you are feeling. We also tell our caregivers, "leave your problems at the door. " And if the care giver is having a rough time with a resident we stop collect ourselves take a deep breathe and try again. Fortunately for us, we have several team members who can take our place, unfortunately for you there is only one. So arm yourself with all the resources you can so you can help. 

 My thoughts are with you.

Carmen

This is true that, Alzheimer’s Aggression is a common problem in Alzheimer’spateints but by dooing some efforts we can reduce this and cotrol this type of beahviour of our senior family members.

Irish Homecare Services

Sadly, my Mother in law eventually caused her own death. She decided she hated another resident, in her nursing home. Despite psychiatric visits, and medication, as well as living on a memory care unit. She remained intermittently violent. One day she tried to get up from her wheelchair, to hit this other resident, and she fell. She had a cracked vertebrae, had to wear a neck collar, then acquired pneumonia. The pneumonia caused her death at 93. We are glad the other resident was unharmed.