A Place for Mom's Family

My moms mid stage alzheimers, almost 75, and suffers with severe agitation. Day in, day out, for the last year or so, she hallucinates and has delusions that my fathers having an affair with the 90 year old lady who lives bedridden, across the street. This is all she talks about 24/7. What really sucks is the fact that shes extremely  verbal about it; this is all she talks about constantly. She also talks to this woman as if shes in the house, constantly yelling at her to get out. She curses at her as if shes there. She threatens her and throws things at her, as well as at my father.  She kicks in the walls, bangs on them, bangs on the doors and tables, thrown things at my dad and is just generally chronically stressed out. This continues for hours on end, only to finally stop when, in utter exhaustion, she walks calmly into the den where my fathers sitting, sits down near him, and slowly falls asleep against him, for an hour or so, only to start up again when she awakes.  She still recognizes people and eats and goes to the bathroom on her own. The extreme aggressiveness and combativeness against my father, though, is a major problem and not one thats easily rectified.

The oddest thing about this, though, is that when my moms outside of the house, shes almost  normal. Its only in the house that she exhibits this outrageous behavior. When in the car or out amongst other people, shes almost the same mother ive known all my life. Not completely normal or anything, but exhibits appropriate behavior. Back at home, however, she reverts back to this horrid behavior.

The Dr had put her on seroquel but it was no help. Shes now just begun taking haldol (which im well aware has potential horrendous side effects), but theres not much of a choice. My dad isnt ready to put her in a nursing home (for his own personal reasons; both his parents and my moms parents were NEVER placed in nursing homes-- they were cared for in the home till the very end; if you loved your parents- which they did-- youd never place them in a home!) so he wants to care for her for as long as hes able.

My dads accepted that his is now his life; caing for his wife. He married her for better or for worse; they had the better, now its time for the worse, and no amount of pressure will change his mind. He says he would only consider a home if and when she becomes totally incontinent and doesnt remember anyone; in absence of that, he will care for her for as long as hes able.

Pretty noble, huh? i agree!  Its taking years off his life, though. What a sacrifice to make for someone else. I feel pretty blessed to be raised by such a person (im adopted- these are my adoptive parents). It breaks my heart, though-- truly breaks my heart!!

I feel like i need therapy to deal with this and i dont even live with them! But i do go and visit once a week and it makes me so sad when i get here there. I never know what to expect-- will today be a good day or a bad day. How many more bruises will be all over my poor dad (shes a good shot when she throws stuff!!) WIll i come there during the screaming stage or the nap stage? Wil today be the first day she doesnt remember me? I enter the house trying to be in a good upbeat mood (for my dad) but somehow never make it to upbeat. i try a weak smile and it comes out as such- weak! 

Lets face it, im having a horrible time dealing with all this-- and i dont even live there! i just visit once a week! This makes me feel even more horrible. I feel guilty; terribly so. Guilty that its my turn, right now to be young and somewhat carefreee when my parents are not. Guilty that i can leave that horrible situation while my poor dad cant. Guilty that i have a partner to go home to while my poor dad is losing his life partner of over 50 years.  Gone is his security and best friend. Gone is his partner and mom of his kids.

Seriously, i just wanna crawl in a ball and go to sleep.

One of my grand aunts Christina used to do something similar.  Some days she would be depressed, angry, physically or verbally abusive while in the privacy of the home she shared with her daughter & family, but when the rest of the family would come over, she'd be the life of the party.  The rest of us family wouldn't believe our cousins that Christina would do this transformation.  Christina was also normal when she left her familiar surroundings.  My cousins just did the best they could.  Not having family believe you made it doubly tough.  This was years ago, before Alzheimer's was even named.

I read once about a man who had to commit his wife to a nursing home after she no longer recognized him.  He would get up every day, put on his Sunday best, and go visit her as if it was a first date.  A friend asked him why he kept doing that since she never remembered who he was.  His reply:  "She may have forgotten who I am but I have not forgotten who she is." I admire your Dad, you were blessed to be raised with that kind of fierce love.  Maybe she is railing against what is happening to her and can only express her frustrations in this unique way?

I also hope that just knowing that you are not alone in this will help make you feel better.  Guilt takes a huge toll, there are things you just can't do anything about, like the weather.  You just have to batten down the hatches and sail on through it.  You have control of your own feelings & actions, not those of others.  It's times like this that you have to remember that to keep sane.  No, it's not easy.

Support your parents in any way you can.  When my Mom gets a little out of it, I can usually bring her around by asking her if she remembers a particular WWII era song. ["Gee, Mom, how did that song go?"]. I grew up surrounded by the music, so I can usually find something we both know to sing or hum.  It gets her off the track she is on, whatever it might be, for a little while.  Sometimes all that's needed is a break in concentration.  But when you are in the thick of things you can easily forget this.

Can anybody out there with a psychology background explain why some people with dementia "wig out" when they are OUT of their familar surroundings while others "wig out" in familar surroundings or around familiar people?

Take care,

Judy

Yes, it is wonderful being raised by such a loving parent.  My mother has "mild" dementia and does not have Alzheimers but until I could adjust to the guilt I felt about putting her in assisted living, it was not a fun time for either of us.  I realize my situation is not the same as yours, but I believe the other post was excellent when the Dad got dressed up every week for his first date with his wife once she had to go to a nursing home. 

If your mother is such a good aim when she throws items, I would be more concerned about your father.  She could seriously injure him and then she would really be alone.  This might be something to little by little talk to him about options.  Sometimes the seeds will eventually bare fruit.  If I could have kept mother in her house, I would have but it was getting dangerous for her.  If it would have been safe for her at our house, would have done that.  But neither worked for our situation.  Safety is important for both parents.

I agree with wisepat. You need to be concerned for your fathers health. Each time you visit, just bring up the subject of how HE is feeling and assess his injuries. Gradually you may be able to get him to understand that he needs to be healthy to care for your Mom-even if that care involves visiting her in a care facility.