A Place for Mom's Family

“When I first asked my mother to move her answer was a definite ‘No!’” Lynn D. remembers. “To her leaving her home meant abandoning her life, including the memory of her time with my father. Even though I believe the change was absolutely for the best, I couldn’t force her to leave that memory. After all, it’s been fifteen years since my father died and I still miss him everyday. How could I do that to her?

“Plus, my mother‘s mind is starting to fail her. Would moving her into a new situation mean that she would lose all reminders of my father? Was being this cruel a risk I was willing to take? I even wrestled with whether I had my mother’s best interest in mind sometimes. I experienced constant confusion.”

Lynn made her decision to relocate her mother only after an incident at the hospital.

An idea before you have to make the decision at the last minute is to take "mom" to a community for Lunch.  Or let her go on an outing with the group.  Maybe even take her over to a class they may offer like art, bingo, or cards.  This helps for her to make new friends.  So then it will allow her make the decision for herself.  And takes the Guilt off of you. 

People do problem solving best in little pieces. It's overwhelming when you are trying to solve the whole thing at once. I often suggest trying the location of the "top pick" for a handful of days (this is known as "respite"), and this way the loved one gets to experience it first hand. They will know right away it is/is not for them, and it will be the best time investment ever made!

Often children will tour and chose the community that THEY like. Take into consideration that your parents are a different generation and may have a different opinion on what makes THEM feel comfortable in a community.

For example; I love nice, fancy resturants, my father on the other hand likes the "home cookin' buffet style".

I agree on doing a respite or trial stay, Joan.  However, I would add that a short stay will typically not work for someone who is adament about not moving because they are fearful of the change.  I think that making the stay for more like a month will be more beneficial for "having an experience".  In that amount of time a person can get into a routine, get to know some people and feel as though they "fit in".  Once any of us feels like we are a part of a group we are comfortable and drawn to that group.  It is kind of like the t.v. show "Cheers".  ".....where everyone knows your name."

This is an excellent idea, sort of a test drive, and you could do it with more than one community if you were having a hard time deciding where to go.

Paul Hamilton

Eldercare Advisor

A Place for Mom

866-355-9427

paulh@aplaceformom.com

Often times guilt plays the biggest role for many adult children when it comes to the topic of: "Should I move mom/dad?"

When I was a geriatric care manager, I often explained to adult children that in order to take burden off of them they should involve an objective professional/friend that mom/dad trusts and respects (the best case scenario is their doctor). Often seniors will listen to their doctor if the situation is becoming unsafe at home or the quality of life could be better elsewhere. If there is mild to moderate memory loss in the senior, the doctor could write on a prescription pad that he recommends going to assisted living for "rehabilitation"....This allows the burden to be llifted off the children while the senior can remember the note the doctor wrote them as an "official request". Just a thought.

 Sheyna Dorfman, MSW

Eldercare Advisor - A Place For Mom

Rockville, MD

My husband and I moved into a bigger place a year ago so that we could bring my dad up from Florida so that I could take care of him. At the time he was staying with my older brother and his family. It had got to the point where he could no longer care for our dad and was that something would happen while his two young boys were around. At the time my dad was talking like he would go to a home for the elderly, however, I felt like I could handle him. I don't work and I don't have kids yet. Well it has been a year now and my dad has gone down hill and the stress that his situation puts on my husband and I is almost unbareable. He has C.O.P.D.,enphyzema, severe thyroid disease, osteaprosis, severe acid reflux disease, stomache problems, ect. his breathing is so bad that he can't walk, going to the bathroom is a big chore on him and me! I injured my bak and neck 7 years ago in a car accident and now I am having problems with it and I am affraid of dropping him! He sounds like he is dying every day (his moans and groans) and it is taking a tole on me and my husband, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I told my dad that I was afraid I couldn't do it any more and he broke down crying and begged me not to send him to a home he says he can back it easier on me, but he can't! I don't want him to be unhappy but I don't know what eles to do!

Noone has the money to afford a nice home for him so if I can't care him he has to go to a state home who will take everything he has. And not care for him the way he needs. I couldn't live with my self if he wasn't cared for properly.

I have no doubt that one of us can help you.  It is worth talking it over with one of our advisors. If you go to www.aplaceformom.com and then fill out the questionaire you will be contacted but an advisor in your area. 

Dear TAHerd78,

I would strongly agree with Maria that an Eldercare Advisor who lives in your area should be able to help you and your family.  Many areas of the country have smaller-style assisted living homes known as residential care homes.  Most of these homes are owned and operated by very caring individuals who provide their residents with quality care.  The advantage to these residential care homes is that they are often significantly less expensive than larger assisted living communities.  They also offer their residents a friendly, home-like atmosphere. 

I would also suggest, if you haven't already done so, that you visit the section of this site about caregiver stress.  It sounds like you're doing all you can to take care of your dad but sometimes even "your best" just isn't enough and that's not your fault.  Once a loved one's health care needs become extemely high it's very difficult for family members to care for them. 

Best wishes to you and Dad! 

Good point.  The kids might "scrub" down a list of communities, but the final run through should be done with the person "going in."

Paul J. Hamilton

A Place for Mom

Hello TAHerd78

I want to start by saying how fortunate your father is to have such a loving family.  Please don't think that you are abandoning your father if you were to  relinquish his daily care to others someday.  The situation you describe is not really a safe environment for you or your father anymore.  Try to take into consideration the value of having a trained staff available to help with lifting your father, and you also have to bear in mind that to the degree his symptoms have worsened, his quality of life might improve dramatically with more medical supervision.  As much as you wanted to care for your father when you brought him to live with you, the situation probably needs to be re-evaluated now to see if this is still in his best interests. 

As a first step, you can contact an Elder Care Advisor with A Place for Mom to get a good understanding all of the options that exist for your father's care.  Although you intended to provide for all of your father's care, it sounds like he requires more care now than you and your husband can safely give him yourselves.  If your father was being cared for by professionals he'd certainly be more comfortable and you could go back to having a relationship with him as a daughter instead of a caregiver.  At this time, it seems that your father's wishes are at odds with what is really best for him.  And doing what is best for him will always be your first concern in overseeing his care.

Take care and I am thinking about you,

Maggie