I am an only child and have a Mom that’s at home receiving in-home companionship and transportation needs through a Care Giving Agency.
My Mom had a stroke 6 years ago. She then about 4 years ago had kidney failure along with intestinal distress. She is in dialysis 3 days a week now and has a colostomy bag. My Mom has been through hell when it comes to her health. Cancer survival 30 years ago among many other trying things.
After her kidney/intestinal trauma my father became her caregiver. This was extremely difficult on him. He never admitted it but you could see it in his eyes and watch him looking more and more run down. He passed away 2 years ago from a brain hemorrhage. They were married just shy of 51 years.
The day after Dad was gone my husband & I immediately moved in with Mom to take care of her. We were there for a year. This was the most difficult year of my life! And, to top it off I became pregnant 3 months into it. Not many people having to take care of their parents are just starting families of their own. I am 40 now. This wasn’t planned but it was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me and my husband! (Who knew what an awful situation and terrible timing would be such a blessing!)
Two weeks before my daughter was born my Mom fell and broke her leg. She ended up in the hospital and rehab for 3 months. My husband & I actually got to spend our daughter’s first months with her alone, like most people. We planned on staying with Mom and raising our little girl, but with Mom gone for those months it actually made me realize I emotionally and physically couldn’t take care of both of them. Deep down I knew I couldn’t do it but was willing to give it a try.
The guilt from trying to take care of Mom was killing me! I couldn’t understand who she’d become after her stroke. And, worst of all, I didn’t have the patience to take it. She verbally abused me until I would run into the yard just to scream. Being her daughter, she didn’t think I knew what I was talking about and was constantly telling me I was doing things wrong. She wasn’t as bad to my husband but he took the brunt of my bad days, for sure. He’s been a saint! I was worried our marriage was at stake. I still don’t know how to communicate with her. With surface things we can talk. But when it comes to things that have to be taken care of or her health, she doesn’t seem to know what’s really going on. I get very frustrated with her. I think I’m growing better and handling it on the outside but not on the inside. It’s funny. I read an insert on your website where someone was mentioning that their parent said something like, “Don’t ever let me be like that. Just put me away if I am.” My Mom use to say that all the time when I was growing up, referring to my grandparents or her aunt. Even when I was little which is ironic. I can’t get over thinking, “Yeah, right.” It’s not that easy.
Here’s my current dilemma. My Mom is extremely difficult! She’s always been stubborn and independent but that was her charm and personality. But since her stroke she's changed. She’s not the same person. She’s extremely demanding, has no sense of how her actions affect other people, really has no motivation and is very open with an “I can’t” attitude. It was SO difficult living with her this way. I was able to understand what Dad was going through and why he had such a hard time.
Since we moved out on our own to develop our little family Mom wouldn’t hear of moving to a home. She was to stay home and that was it. Her demands are great and we were hoping to find an agency that could furnish services for her many needs. We did and they’ve been fantastic! However, Mom is so difficult that the caregivers aren’t wanting to come back. She has a nurse that comes in 3 times a week to change her colostomy bag (if not more), the feat of getting Mom in and out of the very old handicapped UNfriendly home to and from dialysis and shopping is really trying, and she’s very demanding and unfriendly to the folks. She thinks she’s very accommodating and nice. And I honestly believe she thinks this is true. I believe she wants the home care to work out and wouldn’t purposely try to make that not happen.
Mom has no friends. She won’t call anyone and people have stopped trying to contact her. She has me. She has her sister. Her sister lives in the area and she & my uncle stop by when they can. They aren’t doing so hot either and went through a similar yet MUCH longer situation as I am with my Grandmother, who passed away a year and a half ago. Mom’s afraid to be social and doesn’t want anything to do with social gatherings. She’s also been depressed and angry. I’ve gotten this info from the caregiving agency, and I see it too. We had her meet with a Therapist during her leg rehab and she was so adamant against it she was sure this person just wanted to see her cry. I wish she would talk to someone. Anyone that would assure Mom life can still be OK and that people around her and talking to her is OK too. This behavior, however, isn’t new after Dad’s death. It’s since her stroke. Is there still help for her therapeutically? Since therapy didn’t happen directly after the stroke?
Things have kind of come to a head. She’s had SO much trouble with her colostomy bag leaking (not really a new thing but it is at its worst) that she ended up in the emergency room because her skin was so irritated and raw. Also, right now the agency is at its wits end with trying to get someone, anyone, to take care of Mom. We’re all meeting next week about it. I’ve talked to the folks that are closest with Mom at the agency and from their feedback I’m to the point where I feel it’s best for her to be in an assisted living or nursing home facility. She’d have a nurse on staff 24/7 to man her bag when it faults. She’d also have people around to stimulate her mind and show interest in her. I know from watching her in the rehab center she would get very excited for me, and of course her new granddaughter, to meet the people she had met there.
This is where it get hard. Mom will literally freak. I can hear her already. “So it’s finally time to get rid of me.” We all know the truth is just the opposite! Somehow I need to get over feeling like I’m, as Mom would put it, “getting rid of her.”
Here’s where I hope you guys come in. I need help finding a place. When we first moved out of Mom’s with our daughter, I’d approached A Place For Mom. I spoke with Robert Finley who was wonderful. He followed up a few times and things just fell a different direction. I’m now ready to take it that extra step. I want to screen through some places and approach Mom with options. I don’t want to say, “OK Mom. Here it is.”
Mom’s going to be OK, right? Me too, right?