-
Ray Gillo
  - Joined on 12-11-2007
- Posts 14
|
Too Old to Drive - The Decision
One of the worst decisions we ever have to make for someone else -- hang up their car keys. From age related memory issues, Alzheimers or dementia. How can you be gentle? I came across this article the other day, by a man who had to tell his dad it was time to give up the car. Our car keys, indeed our entire key ring, becomes very symbolic over a life time. It's a symbol of adulthood, independence, skill and ownership. Giving up the privilege of driving when you haven't done anything wrong makes a heavy day.The older man in the article presented perhaps the saddest case. There are some ways to accomplish this task with a little less anxiety. When we had to make the decision to talk to my father about driving, he was 82. We enlisted the aid of his longtime physician.We explained to the doctor that Dad's driving skills were deteriorating. He had had a minor fender bender; had tried to sell his brand new car, and often couldn't remember where he had parked it or where he was going. Now that in itself isn't traumatic, I forget where I put the car, too, but you get the picture. Dad was in about stage three of Alzheimer's disease. It seemed every day we came up against another stumbling block, or another reason to feel really down about dad's condition.His doctor pointed us toward the positive side -- the joy of having dad with us. The joy of having him still recognize all of us. That worked for us. But the car thing was a concern.We knew Dad always respected authority, especially medical experts. If the doctor told him to take medicine, then by God Dad would take it. If the doctor told him to lose 5 pounds, you can bet that 5 pounds would be gone. Lots of older people are like that. So we decided, as I said, to see what the doctor had to say. He volunteered to be the heavy.He sat Dad down. Chatted. How's the new great-grand child? How's life treating you? Normal, homey things.Then he said, "Rudy, I hear you're having some issues with the car?""Yeah, a lady hit me the other day, and then I couldn't find her," Dad said.They talked for a bit - about increased dosage of memory meds, the natural progression of aging and the illness. The doctor was professional, non-threatening, warm and nurturing. No tears or arguing. You could feel his sense of concern, but also his calm assertiveness.Dad listened. He looked like he might object. I wouldn't have blamed him. But, as I said, he always listened to the doctor. In this case, not driving was the right thing to do because the doctor said so. It took responsibility from us. It ensured that Dad wouldn't be angry with us for taking away his car, something he could never have understood. He had been our authority figure.My suggestion is, when your spouse, your parents, or someone you care about needs to stop driving, don't be afraid of the decision. Their life, other people's lives, and perhaps your own may depend on your courage and wisdom. But you don't have to be the villain, carrying the responsibility on your shoulders. Ask the doctor or a counselor for help. You might ask a pastor or a good friend.Asking for help when you're dealing with a loved one's losing capacity in one way or another isn't the coward's way out. It doesn't mean you're not strong or brave. You simply recognize your love is more important to that person than your control or authority could ever be. Sometimes you just have to offer your strength in support of tough decisions..
|
|