A Place for Mom's Family

My mother is 81 years old. She is suffering from a depression where she does not want to get out of bed, will not take a shower. She will only get up to eat and I have to prepare a meal for her. She is VERY healthy and has no health problems !! Now - we ask - what does she have to be depressed about ??? She has her family to get her out and about . She does not drive and never has. When she was young, she would use the city bus to get around and now that she is older, me, my brother and my daughter all take her out and get her around.

My questions are :

Do I FORCE her out of bed ?

Do I let her lay in bed as much as she wants to and leve it up to her, to get herself together enough to get out of bed ?

She has no friends to call on her and she no hobbies whatsoever. Trust me we have tried to get her to socialize, but she makes her choice to stay isolated.

My family and I get completely exhausted trying to deal with this. I ask her what will make her happy and she says she does not know. I have no clue on what to do. Yes - we have taken her to a doctor, and they all prescribe medication. They UP the dosage, they try different pills and she is a guinea pig and I do not feel like pills are the answer.

I welcome ALL advice. I just don't know what to do about getting her UP and OUT of bed ??

Thank you all for reading this and responding 

My  first though and response is well, why should she get out of bed as you and your family members are doing everything for her?

 You need to rule out medical reasons and get a good evaulation and do your research in your area for specialist  and maybe try to  not be so helpful  and see if makes her show some initiative.

I know it can be frustrating but it seems like what you have tired is not working so why not try something else. 

This is a tricky situation, because you want to maintain respect and dignity, but you are genuinely concerned.  Here are some ideas that may be helpful.

Seek out a senior companion - this is someone who is either paid to come and visit, or they volunteer to come and visit.  This may be helpful, because they are her peer group, not family and are non-partial, except to improve the quality of her life. 

Plan an acitivity twice a week that is out of the house.  Tell her about, make it something she used to like doing or with people she like being with.  Talk about it all week, everyday.  Give her information about, if we are leaving on Tuesday at 11:30 am, you will need to be up at 9:30, shower, do you hair and eat breakfast, etc.  Give her small steps to getting to the bigger events.

If she has a faith or religion, ask people to come and visit and talk with her.

Even if you are family and have her best interests in mind, she may be feeling controlled by you.  If other people in her life start sharing the same information, she may be more open to it.

An adult day care center or a senior center activity may an options as well.   The key is to get her re-engaged in life a little at a time on her own terms as much as possible.

One more thing to consider, is she experienceing paranoa and anxiety with the depression, she may need more psychiatric/ MD support to address these issues, because that can also create a refusal to leave her room, house or bed as well.

Best wishes!

Having been there myself (though I have a couple of decades to reach your mother's age), I know how incapacitating depression can be.  A person doesn't have to have a "reason" to be depressed, and from all outward appearances everything may seem to others like everything is just fine in the person's life, while in fact there is something hurting the person deep inside.  Medication alone is probably not enough in your mother's case.  I was able to grab hold of the reins myself and push myself to seek help, but if she isn't capable of doing it on her own, you probably have to take the situation into your hands and get her some professional help (above the family doctor level).  Call in a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate the situation and get you going on the right path.  It's a shame for your mother to be suffering when there is most probably the right treatment just waiting for her.

 It is genuine problem in elder when they are at their old age, they suffer many problems about their daily activities, about family and about a good care. You should try home care services for your mother. May be thay can feel free and can relax her mind with proper care. You can also take the help of a hypnotherapist to away the depression. Hypnotherapy is a good way to solve your mother's problem.

 Depression is the most common thing in elders. Actually elders need some personal care and extra medical care. When they didn't get it then they become depressed. In my opinion home care services are the best option for elders. In home care services they get a personal care and a very friendly enviroment.