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Linda Temple
  - Joined on 12-11-2007
- Portland, Oregon
- Posts 57
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Setting Boundaries-A coping tool for Adult Children of Aging Parents
This article is written by Suzanne Roberts, author of the book Coping In New Territory, A guide for Adult Children of Aging Parents. More information can be found on her website at www.suzaneroberts.net This is a great book, easy read.
Creating boundaries is a concept that is a little fuzzy around the edges for most people. Seldom do we have a good working definition to guide us. Here is the best one I have heard: A boundary lets me decide how far someone gets to come into my life. We create boundaries all the time. As an example, it is in our best interest to keep our personal life away from the workplace. People we work with are usually acquaintances rather than friends we have learned to trust. Many of us have worked with people who are like an open book. Most often the "book" contains information that pushes people away, interferes with their promotions, or brands them a loose cannon. We have good reason to be cautious about people who have no personal boundaries. They will not respect ours! We create boundaries with friends. Think of a time when you have created reasons to be unavailable to a friend who is requiring more time, energy or patience than you are willing to give. One very creative woman told me she rings the doorbell when she wants to interrupt an "endless" conversation. When we make ourselves unavailable often enough the relationship will be moved to a distance we can manage. Most of us set healthy boundaries with friends. That is why they are so precious to us. They are part of our life because they don't try to take over our life. Why is it so difficult to set boundaries with family?With whom are our relationships the most difficult? Who has the ability to inflict a wound that can take a lifetime to heal? The answer is, family: spouses, parents and children. We rarely, if ever set boundaries with our families, yet we are confounded when they seem to have the ability to turn our lives around on a dime. We appear to be perfectly happy to gift wrap our life and give it to the first family member who wants it. We do not set adequate boundaries with family for two reasons: self-induced guilt or the external fear of "what will people think?" I don't believe we even consider that we have a right to set boundaries with family, "after all, they are family." We not only have a right, we have a responsibility to allow our family members to be subject to the same criteria as anyone else in on this planet. There are times when we need to set a boundary by saying no to an unreasonable request, or staying home when we know we need rest. To the person who stomps on our boundaries, demanding more of us than we can give, we appear to be selfish. It is not selfishness to take care of yourself. A person with no boundaries, who functions with knee jerk reactions to every demand, is too tired, angry and resentful to be kind and loving.
Setting boundaries with aging parents may be a daunting challenge if we did not create a natural break between our parents and ourselves when we reached our early 30's or when our first child was born. If you haven't created a healthy distance between you and your parents, start with small changes. A boundary that is set with kindness and a smile lays down the line with invisible ink. The parent doesn't quite understand what happened, but something is different. As an example: if dad criticizes you unkindly or treats you like an employee in low regard, respond by saying, "you seem to be having a bad day today, I'll come by another time." Smile and leave! If you are on the phone, say, "I'll call you when you are feeling better, bye." Your dad may be startled, but do that consistently and he will alter his behavior toward you. He wants your presence in his life. You may not change his basic disposition, but he will learn to be careful how he deals with you.My favorite way to set a boundary is never say yes to anything without taking time to think it through. As an example, let's say your mother calls and wants you to take her to the dentist tomorrow afternoon. Tell her you will look at your calendar and get back to her. You may be perfectly willing to take her, but put her off a few hours before you agree to do it. This does two things. It tells her you have a schedule that you need to consider and you cannot be expected to automatically say yes to her every request. If you have something planned tomorrow afternoon; question her about the urgency of the appointment and if it is not vital, offer to reschedule it for her so it coincides with your availability. Will you feel guilty playing golf? Probably, but get over it! Will she be upset with you because you won't change your plans? Probably, but she'll get over it! This boundary example illustrates one of my favorite one-liners: Stress is what happens when your insides are saying, "I can't do this" and your mouth is saying, "of course I would be happy to…"
Don't think a small step is unimportant. Think of the pilot who alters the course of his cross-country flight by one degree every hour. He will be a long distance from where he would have landed had he remained on the original course.
Linda K. Temple, CSA
Eldercare Advisor/Certified Senior Advisor
1-866-333-2268
linda@aplaceformom.com
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