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A Place for Mom's Family » Caregiving » Parenting your parents » A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

Last post 02-21-2008 9:29 PM by Pamela Talon. 4 replies.
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  • 02-11-2008 1:39 PM

    • JohnT
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 12-11-2007
    • Seattle, WA
    • Posts 86

    A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

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    When the wrong person is in charge of an aging parent

    Special to The Seattle Times

    Sometimes the most difficult burdens in eldercare aren't created by our parents but by other family members.

    I used to think I came from a dysfunctional family and that we were unusual. Then I began working with thousands of families and learned the reality of modern life: the number of happy, well-adjusted Ozzie and Harriet families is few. Many families have skeletons the size of dinosaurs lurking behind closed doors. As a result, there are some eldercare situations that have no good solutions, only imperfect compromises. When all is said and done, your only choice may be between a rock and a hard place. Of all the family situations that exist, one of the toughest is when the older person is in the early stages of dementia. She's making marginally poor decisions but is still socially appropriate and not yet ready to turn her business over to someone else. But she's being controlled by the wrong family member. Here's a correspondence I had with a daughter in one such family.

    Q: I began noticing personality changes in my mother. Last spring she went to her physician, then to a neurologist, who said she has early Alzheimer's.

    ........article continues at http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2004172813_liztaylor11.html

    John E. Temple, Jr.
    Co-founder of A Place for Mom

  • 02-12-2008 12:07 PM In reply to

    Re: A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

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    I couldn't agree more.  I had to smile about the Ozzie and Harriet cmment.  We all have our crosses to bare!

     

    Paul J. Hamilton

    A Place for Mom

    paulh@aplaceformom.com

    Paul J. Hamilton
    A Place for Mom
    866-355-9427
    paulh@aplaceformom.com

  • 02-12-2008 9:01 PM In reply to

    Re: A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

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    Great article. I guess as we get older we recognize the wide variance in the word "normal".  I saw a cartoon hanging in a doctor's office once that I found very comforting. It was a picture of a huge auditorium and there was a big banner hanging across the stage. The banner read "Convention for Functional Families" but there was only ONE person sitting in the audience! So I guess every family has a little dysfunction! I came from what I thought was a pretty normal big family.  I am the youngest of five; everyone one of us a type A personality. I often wonder how my mom did it, but I thank God for my siblings everyday. When we get together we have a blast. My brother Rick says we put the FUN in dysfunctional. Smile 
    Pam

  • 02-17-2008 9:44 AM In reply to

    • mariab
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 12-11-2007
    • Rochester, NY
    • Posts 30

    Re: A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

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    What a great article.  I, like Pam, am from a  huge family.  I am the second oldest of 8 children and I always thought we were a little dysfunctional...turns out, that as we have all grown up,  we really are more functional and normal than I could ever imagine.  Especially in "crisis mode".

      I have always said to my friends..."I have often contemplated whether my mother was "insane" or a "saint"".  Sometimes I think there is a just a very fine line between the two.  I honestly do not know how she ever handled all 8 of us...and then her aging father...and now a grandchild.

      I just hope that our family takes care of her when the time comes with as much patience, care and respect as she has given all of us and so many others over the years.

    Even though I help guide people everyday with the hardship of parenting the parent...I know that when the time comes I too, will have to call upon A Place for Mom to help me through it.  We all need a clear opinion from someone that is not so emotionally attached to the person in need. 

    Eldercare Advisor – A Place for Mom

    Telephone: (866) 333-4783 Toll Free

    E-mail: mariab@aplaceformom.com

  • 02-21-2008 9:29 PM In reply to

    Re: A good article about when the wrong child is parenting their parent

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    So true Maria! I always say that I can help other families through this but when it comes to your own family the dynamics come in to play and we are just so emotionally involved that it is so hard to see thing objectively. An outside party, espcecially someone like an APFM advisor from APFM is truly a God sent welcome. I know that when the day comes for us kids to move my Dad I will need support. Even though I know he is doing ok, I know that he could be much healthier and safer in retirement living setting. Not to mention that I would not feel so obligated to go clean his house! All my siblings are an hour away so I am the lucky one who gets to do that stuff!
    Pam
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