A Place for Mom's Family

A Place For Betty and Ken

For a long time, Beverly Kalageorgi’s parents were the picture of health—and happiness. Married for more than sixty years, the couple, now both in their early eighties, were enjoying retirement and the quieter life from the comfort of their lakeside cottage in northern Michigan.   But life has a way of getting complicated, and that’s what happened to Beverly’s parents, Betty and Ken Qualls, in 2002. “Mom started having short-term memory loss,” explains Beverly.  At first, Beverly considered it a normal, though unfortunate, part of growing older. But as the weeks and months progressed, Betty’s memory loss worsened. “My father would bring it up with me,” she says. “He would say, ‘Mom’s losing her memory. She can’t focus on anything. It’s getting really difficult.’”

As it turned out, “difficult” was an understatement...

This article continues at Assisted Living Home.   

 Just think of me as Ken since I am the care giver and my husband has Alzheimer's disease, stage III.  We are in our mid 70s and that probably makes a big difference but I think the solution is misguided on a couple of levels.  I have help caring for my husband.  My helper comes 5 days a week and I''m looking for additioal help to come on weekends and a couple of evenings a week.  My husband treated me like a princess for nearly 50 years and now I'm not going to cut him loose.  At times it is difficult but he stuck with me through difficult times before.  Senior living shouldn't be separating devoted old timers like us.  It should be keeping us together in a community of small homes with necessary assistance available. Whaever happened to the "in sickness and in health" vow?

On another level, Betty's pneumonia in this instance would have been better treated at home and if she died, it would be with her husband's arms around her.  Then he can get his bachelor pad.

To Femique -

 To be critical of someone else's decisions about the care of someone they love really has no place her.  Everyone has their limits and you obviously are very strong regarding the care of your husband.  I respect you and your willingness to care for him at home.  Not everyone can afford in-home care, and may be in the position of needing whatever mercy the state they are in might offer them.

 

I get the idea that this husband himself is very fragile and the home probably felt he would have better quality of life to have his own place to be in and sleep well so he can stay strong to be with his wife during the days they may have left.

 

Sincerely,

Katy

Noone should be judging others here. There is a choice for everyone. Having gone through it with my 89 and 90 year old parents, it is not always the best situation to keep them at home. The stress levels of both of them were so high and it was very bad for both of them. Dad was the caregiver and he had resorted to techniques that were not working for either of them. Since Mom went into the home, they are able to focus on caring about one another and Dad spends roughly 3 loving hours with her daily. There are two many issues with vascular dimentia or Alzheimer's for one elderly person to take on the care of another. Researching the changes going on with a person reveal the needs and they are massive.

Femique, Aside from the inappropriateness of judging others for their decisions on such a complex issue, there is something you are not taking into account. There are countless cases of couples in which the caregiver died before the Alzheimer's patient due at least in part to the very high demands and related stress of caregiving. Taking care of the loved one often takes such high priority that the caregiver neglects his or her own health. My father-in-law died in just this way. Now I am looking at the situation of my own parents, who are in their 80's, and the toll it is taking on my mother to care for my father as his Alzheimer's progresses. She has begun having pre-stroke symptoms, extreme stomach aches, and I can see she is exhausted. I am looking for an AL facility for them now. Keep in mind that if the caregiver, with all the best intentions, exhausts him or herself and predeceases the loved one, the Alzheimer's patient will have a much harder time than if his/her spouse stayed healthy and remained available to them throughout their life. "In sickness and in health" means different things in different circumstances, and sometimes the most loving decision is to get proper care for your sick spouse, care which may be simply beyond your own capacity. Please be more compassionate toward people who make this hard decision; you can be sure they agonize over it before reaching the conclusion it is the best thing.

 A terrific solution, one many will have to make. However "warm" these articles make us feel, they neglect to address the real problem: money. While I have people helping me with a similar situation, I have yet to read or find a concise article that tells me the proccesses for placement and what ultimately drives my decision. There doesn't seem to be any step by step, :"this is how you do it or afford care for your parents". My guess is that twice as many of us need partial or full financial help. This would not be a problem at all if I could afford the kind of care my parents deserve.

I agree with caweise, money is an issued and how to obtain financial help is like traveling a maze.

Carla Kicklighter:

I agree with caweise, money is an issued and how to obtain financial help is like traveling a maze.

What she said. I've been researching--$4000/month? whew. Who has that kind of money?

$4,000 a month may not be the true total; they may also charge in addition for medication reminders, trips, help with care, and other "incidentals."  There is no easy or "one size fits all" solution.

It feels very nice when we talk about a couple who has spent almost life with each other and still together.But this is worse when diseases start affecting their relationship like your mom is affected from problem of memory loss.Please take care of her pay her attention along with some financial support for her medicial treatment.May be this will help her to recover soon.

so glad that assisted living was an option but in my case, my mom cannot afford it and I have been taking care of her for 7 years, they say there is all kinds of help out here but everywhere I turn, if you are not rich, you are out of luck, which I guess I am

I am truly happy for you that you are able to care for your husband but not everyone has that option.  In the case of my father-in-law, he is a foot taller and a 100 pounds heavier than his wife.  He is violent and won't let her help even though he is incapable of even the simplest tasks.  The man that he was is long, long gone but this aweful man is living in his body.  Sickness has taken him away from her, and he should be separated from her but she stays with it.  It is hearbreaking that she is probably going to die taking care of him and he wouldn't know the difference.  I applaud Ken for still seeing Betty every day but not giving his life to care for her.

In some cases, the problem often encountered is how to convince the elder to move into a facility. In here, it was not a big issue but as like in most situations, the cost of long term care services was a consideration