A Place for Mom's Family

I currently have my 83 yr old mother living with me and my family since April, she took a fall and just couldn't remain on her own anymore safely.  Anyway, she is or has become very antagonistic, she always was a little, but it just seems like it has intensified since we're living together.  She teases and taunts my 6 yr old daughter and it always making derogatory references to my husband  and to my daughter, makes sarcastic remarks to my daughter friends when the come over to play.  I never know when "Sybil" will appear, she can be very well beahved and yet go off on a rant just when we;re about to have company for dinner. I seems like each day I never know what she will say or do to "push my buttons"  I try not to feed the frenzy and try to ingonore her rants and raves about us that we're "evil" and we're "gold diggers".  We have tried to make everything as comfortable as possible for her to live with us, we can't do enough for her.  But I feel she's ruining my family life and my home is no longer a refuge for me.  She doesn't take her meds, hates to bathe, wont eat what we cook or make.  She's also incontinent, thats quite the problem at times.  Is it Alzheimers, Dementia, or Psychosis? I battle head games everyday.  Don't know how to handle this.  My sister lives in Ct, She thinks I should laugh her behavior off.  try living it!  Any advise anyone?  Encouragement would be really helpful as I find myself in tears everyday.

 This sounds all too familiar to me....this behavior is exactly what I am dealing with, with my 80 year old grandmother that has slight(?) dementia; but she is fixated on picking at my grandfather whom has moderate dementia. She acts up all day long and is fighting her old age. The head games have been endless and are the worst part of caregiving with her. I'm not sure where the games end and the dementia begins. Be strong and take control of the situation. She is acting like a child and needs to be scolded like one. Everybody is entitled to be respected and does not deserve to be mistreated. Call her on it and see how she reacts - it may be part of the dementia, but if her behavior changes upon calling her on it - you will know. This whole role reversal is not easy.You may consider having her Alzheimer's/Dementia evaluated/re-evaluated by a doctor as well and I strongly urge you to do this.You may have her checked for a Urinary Tract Infection as well - this will mess with their heads and cause mental damage and advance the dementia - it's more common among elderly incontinent women to have a UTI.

I hope that you and your family are able to have your own "family time" together, if you don't I suggest that you read the "caregiver rights" and take them to heart. If you do not have other family members to help you out that live in the immediate area try to find community services that can come to your home and watch her or find an adult day care or a senior center to drop her off for a couple of hours. You need your time to yourself otherwise you aren't going to be worth a darn to her and your family as a caregiver. Find a Alzheimer's/Dementia support group in your area - they can help tremendously and are a wealth of information. You shouldn't be in tears everyday...please find outside assistance. I know how hard it is to laugh it off - is your sister willing to care for her for a couple of weeks? 

The bathing thing is a huge problem with Dementia care. Unfortunately they have the right to refuse their meds, eating and bathing. I live in California and have learned that even if grandma and grandpa were in a Skilled Nursing Facility that they have the right to refuse these things and in some instances have more rights than you and I.

Now, on a legal note: Your mother needs to have at very least a Durable Power of Attorney and an Advanced Medical Directive that names you as the Attorney of fact, which will give you the legal powers to make decisions for her. I am at the point that I have to execute my powers of attorney of fact for the saftey and well being of my grandparents. 

Let me leave you with a chuckle...

Last week I had to take all my grandparents credit cards away, because they were ordering things off of the television. As far as I know all they ordered were a set of Wolfgang Puck pots and pans when they have perfectly good pots and pans and they don't cook anymore. I'm waiting for the Alpaca crate to be delivered, as they did take down the phone number for Alpaca. 

Two weeks ago Grandma went to the doctor to determine if she had an UTI (urinary tract infection) and she did, but when the doctor announced that she did Grandpa got mad and asked "Where on earth did you get a DUI?" "Where were you going?" "What were you thinking?"

Take Care of Yourself!!!

No matter what the diagnosis, subjecting a 6 year old to grandma's bad behavior can leave life long scars.  I grew up with my mother's behavioral problems but let my own children visit grandma.  My daughter and I paid a high price and we have spent a lifetime looking for answers.  Her behavior is now wearing down my sister who has her in assisted living.  There are some forms of dementia that are early onset and do not involve memory. Get as much help as you can, you and your daughter deserve a good life.

I know where you are coming from. My 89 year old mother is living with me. She's been doing so for the past 20 years. She had so little income that there was just no other way. My brother and sister have their own things going on and for them it simply wasn't an option. My husband is a real gem but he recently retired and was diagnosed with Parkinson's 6 months ago. Since I have two more years to work, he is the one who has to spend the most time with her. She is starting to think that it is her house. She doesn't want to take a bath or shower and she is getting to the point of making smart alec retorts when we are only trying to help her. She is very negative about almost everything. Just sits around and watches us and watches the neighbors. Actually she doesn't seem to be as bad off as your Mom, but it is really getting on our nerves and we feel very caged in at times. I asked my sister, who lives far away but is retired, if she could come and spend a week with mom so that we could get away. She said she does not want to spend her vacation babysitting her mother. It is a good thing that she cannot read my mind!!  I would like to see either of our sisters laugh off their mother's behavior. They just don't get it. I hope you will seriously consider putting your Mom in a rest home. I am starting to look into that option. They have already lost their quality of life. Now it is time to consider the quality of life for the rest of the family. You have no reason to feel guilty about your feelings. Your obligation is to your own family. The one that you chose!!

Your life sounds very much like mine.  My mother is 94.  She sold her home 5 years ago as did we and bought a house that was suitable for us all.  We ,my husband and I, have two girls,a 14 year old and a 12 year old.  She, my mother,has started making up awful stories about us.  Accusing the girls of tearing up her things.  She has even said my husband and I borrowed money from her that we refuse to pay back. I have cried for two days.  She is ruining my life.  I sound selfish but hope people reading this will understand that she is makming our lives miserable.  I have tried to get her to go to adult daycare but she refuses.  She and I have always had a wonderful relationship.   I am crushed and also think I could be crazy.  Dementia is a  terrible thing.  I never knew people were affected like this. I need help but don't seem to be able to find what I need.  Don't think it is out there.

I don't really have any suggestions to offer.  I can only say that my mother is beginning this same journey that your mom is on and I'm just lost.  She's always been coniving (she taught Behavior Modification at Portland State for a million years), but now it seems that she's just being mean for no reason.  I'm pretty sure she hates me and never really misses an opportunity to berate me.  And you're right, your sister has absolutely no idea what it's like to live with someone who hates everything.  Everything you're saying about your mom fits mine as well.  Only we suffer from fecal incontinence.  She's 78 and while I don't think that's REALLY old, it is getting up there.  I just have so much trouble with her mind going and going so quick.  Every day we have instruction on how to work the TV and DVD player.  It's not that I'm complaining so much as needing to find someone who can help in some way.  She won't go to a home any time soon, that  much I know.  She actually thinks since she changed my diapers, that I am now obligated to change hers for as long as it takes.   I guess I just need to know if her behavior is a symptom of something or if she's really just a horrible and mean person.  

Are there meetings like they have for AA?  Someplace safe where we can talk and not be thought of as monsters.  

 My only advice to you is to keep talking to me.  At least we can compare notes and maybe one of us has found a solution for something the other hasn't thought of.  As a friend I have in the neighborhood said to me, Of course she knows how to push your buttons.  She installed them.  

 My name is Sue and my girlfriend is 5th grade was named Candace.  But we called her Candy.  Love to you and keep your chin up.  We may even get through this.

Sue,

You had asked if there are safe meetings where people on similar journeys can talk.  The Alzheimer's Association has support groups that meet at various times and at various locations.  I'd check with them to see what's out there in your area. 

I was working with a man a while back - I think I was his sole support - and I encouraged him to go to a meeting.  He complained that he didn't think he could learn anything new from anybody, and besides, his mother had a frontol lobe issue, not Alzheimer's.  My response was that he always seemed geniunely appreciative when I just sat and listened to him, how much better to have a group of folks living in similar circumstances?  He was hesitant at first, but he really got into it and much later her even commented to me that he thinks he might give as much as he gets out of the group.  That's what it's all about. 

Check with the Alzheimer's Association...

Sam