A Place for Mom's Family

My mom is now living at a retirement community...independent living along with assisted living.  My mom has said such hurtful things to me and thinks I've ruined her life.  I don't know where else to turn.  It breaks my heart that my mom doesn't realize she needs that extra care and that she has alzheimer's.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! 

You know you're a good person and that you're doing right by your mother.  Though it's particularly difficult to detach oneself from a mother, pretend you are a friend standing by, watching her go through her doubts, irritation, paranoia, etc.  Tell yourself it has nothing to do with you personally.  If you came across your mother and you weren't related, you'd treat her kindly, non?  And you wouldn't be hurt by what she says because you know in your heart that you are not at fault.  Try every day to be kind and detached.  In a way, she's not the person who raised you--she's a different person that neither of you knows yet.  And you did not hurt this person, right?  Kind and detached will save you.  You can still dearly love the person she used to be, though that person is hidden deep inside her now.

The Caregivers Tale:

You know you're a good person and that you're doing right by your mother.  Though it's particularly difficult to detach oneself from a mother, pretend you are a friend standing by, watching her go through her doubts, irritation, paranoia, etc.  Tell yourself it has nothing to do with you personally.  If you came across your mother and you weren't related, you'd treat her kindly, non?  And you wouldn't be hurt by what she says because you know in your heart that you are not at fault.  Try every day to be kind and detached.  In a way, she's not the person who raised you--she's a different person that neither of you knows yet.  And you did not hurt this person, right?  Kind and detached will save you.  You can still dearly love the person she used to be, though that person is hidden deep inside her now.

I love this. We're in the same situation as the original poster. I'm sending it to my sister... thank you.

 Listen, take it from me....do not have any regrets or anger towards your Mom for she knows NOT what she is saying. IT IS THE DISEASE itself. I am mentally and physically abused by my 73 y/o Mom and the hardest thing I have to tell myself is it is a "DISEASE"! I hate saying that but it's true. I will take care of my Mom at home with me until I can't anymore. You did your best and what you could handle and just the fact YOU CARE says a lot about you. You didn't do anything to her...the disease did! Hang in there and keep in touch! I know how you feel Sincerely, Suzanne North Carolina

Thank you so much for these kind words. "Detached" and "kind" is what I knew I needed to do but didn't know how. It is so great to hear we are not alone. My poor brother has tried to take care of my mother alone for 6 weeks now but just realized today that is not possible. She has hurt us both with her words but I know she doesn't know what she says. I wish you all the best and please say a special prayer that we find not only a place that can take care of her but also a nice place. They all seem so cold. Also, my mom is only 70 so she really doesn't seem to "fit" there but she tries to drive at 2 while my brother is sleeping.

That is a difficult situation and one in which there is no answer that will work for everyone. I would strongly urge you to join an Alzheimer's support group.

Despite the fact that she's at a retirement community, try to visit her more often and show her that you do care. From that I think you can slowly try to make her understand that she's there because you want to provide optimal health care for her special condition. Also, try to talk to the families of other residents and see how they are coping with the situation and see if they can give you an advice

That's a lot to digest right now but still she is your mom and I know you want to help her too. Staying in assisted living facilities is not the best place for her to be in right now. You've mentioned that she has Alzheimer's. She needs to be in a facility that specializes in the said condition in order for her to get the proper care she needs. I hope you'll get through this.

I am going through the same situation now.  My mom is going through a few tests to determine if she indeed has Alzheimer's.  I was devasted when I listened and watched her with the doctor.  Unfortunately, she lives 4 hours away on the other side of our state and we have to literally drive to pick her up and bring her back to our place.  One day she is so excited to be contemplating selling her condo and living near us, and then today, is yelling at me that she is going to sell the condo, but stay on the other side of the state.  She does not want to go back to the doctor, as she always canceled her appts when she gets confused about them, she just cancels.  She lives near her brothers and sisters, but they cannot be expected to care for her.  She feels she is not going to be left in an assisted living place while my husband and I are working and she believes she will never see her family again.  I have been very patient most days in responding to her, but I did not do very well today.