...moved in with me 2 years ago. My normal life stopped and another life began. I was totally devoted to him, and I took care of him with no help from anyone except my wonderful husband.
Things were in turmoil this past week. Daddy, 87, kept wanting me to take him for a ride, and I told him I couldn't. I didn't tell him, but Mom, 86, was sick and in ICU. Wednesday night, I'd been without sleep for 3 days and I talked a bit cranky to daddy. Thursday, it really bothered me that I'd gotten irritated with him. When I got home from the hospital that night, he wheeled himself outside and I went outside and said, "Hey--I was a bit cranky with you last night and I am really sorry. I hadn't slept in 3 days, and I'm a hag. Smack me if you want to!" He grinned and I hugged him and said, "I love my daddy!" and I kissed him on the head.
Friday morning, he ate a good breakfast and I went to tell him bye before I left for the hospital, but he was asleep so I left. At the hospital, they weren't sure mom would make it though the night, but she did. She was much better and I even got her to eat! I was soooo happy! An hour later hubby called and told me daddy was dead.
I am devastated. I feel guilty because he told me less than a week ago that he wasn't going to be here much longer, and I told him he was fine and was going to be here for a long time. He wanted me to take him for a drive, and I wouldn't. What if he thought I was tired of him and he was getting on my nerves? I COULDN'T tell him what was going on with mom because it would've killed him for sure. What if he just wanted to spend a little alone time with me because he really DID know he wasn't going to be here much longer, and he thought I didn't want to be with him and was trying to avoid him?
My hubby and a friend were with him as he was dying and he shouted my name 3 times. It tears my heart out knowing that in his final moments on this earth, he knew he was dying and was scared and called for me---and I wasn't here. If I had been here, I know I couldn't have saved him, but I would have held him and talked to him.
I am so thankful that I apologized to him and told him I loved him the night before he died. I would have lived with that guilt for the rest of my life.