A Place for Mom's Family

My 79 year old mother was diagnosed with moderate AD about a year ago. We have never been close. When I was growing up, she was controlling and manipulative and I was a rebel. We drifted into a long distance (800 miles), talk on the phone, and visit once a year relationship. I noticed a problem about six years ago and her husband asked me for help four years ago.

She is extremely paranoid and suffers from delusions about her 81 year old husband's fidelity. Consequently, she refuses his efforts to help with care giving which leaves me with the bulk of care. We bought a second home near my mother but my husband does not like it here and still spends most of his time at home while I live near Mom. 

Because of the paranoia, she hides things, misplaces things, and does not remember things accurately which is very distressful for her and she becomes angry. Dealing with her is like walking a tight rope because you never know what will set her off on one of her paranoid tantrums that can last for hours. I have read a couple books and done some research but I just need some information about how to deal with this. I don't know where to turn and I feel so trapped in this situation because there is no one else to take care of her. I love her but I think I am doing this out of a sense of obligation more than love. She was never easy to love and now it is almost impossible to even like her.

Dear Don't know how to Deal

  I understand your pain and confusion. I myself am in a simular situation.

My Mother is 77 years old and in the severe stage of this disease. Like you

and your mom -we were never close before. At this point I try my best to ask God to give me strength.             

My mother doesn't know who I am a lot of times. She is to the point of paranoria most of the time. She hollers

and cusses like a sailor at no one in the room..It is pitiful to see flesh of your blood turn into some-one you never knew existed.

 I just pray this never befalls me. May God Have Mercey.....On Us All

  We do what we can for as long as we can.

                                                        It is especially hard for us that weren't close to them before.  they were sick.

                                                                  Kindness is sometimes hard to muster after so long a-refrain.

                                                                                                                  on both parts.

Dear don't,

 I know what you are going thru as I am going thru it with my father. I have never been close to my Dad, he was mean and angry (abusive) when I was growing up. After my Mom passed away I grew apart from him, and then about a month ago I get a call that the lady he was living with was put in the hospital and I had to go get him, and I have had him every since. I am looking into a long term care home for him so that he can get the help he needs for his Dementia. I cannot help him as I work and I have no Medical background to deal with what he needs in terms of care and guidence. What I am tryin to tell you is that you needn't feel quilty for wanting your Mom in a place where she will be safe and you can breathe again.. Hang in there and I hope you find the help you deserve.. I only wish the same for me.. hugs...

My mother is 78, and I have 3 other siblings, 2 older brothers and 1 younger sister. My sister lives in same town as mother the rest of us live in 3 other states across the country. For whatever reasons, we too experienced difficult relations with our mother. But all four of us decided a long time ago that it was important to HONOR our mother and father by standing together as one to Love our parents and do what we could for them.  It has been extremely difficult to say the least...struggles with interference of other family members found they could manipulate moms anger and paranoia to turn her against her own children. My brothers and sister and I formed an alliance to work on making mom more comfortable and secure for her future within the environment she had become accustom to, albeit, not a very worthy trailer home. But it was hers and she paid for it. Try to understand, dementia steels the independance we struggle our lives to have and she so longed to hang onto the very thoughts that guide her daily functions. Somewhere in her functioning brain she knows even now her mental and physical independances are being drained from her mind and as if it were possible, tries to desparately grasp it back through her shaking finger tips. Forgive me for going on, the point I wish to share with you is that 2 years later she was placed in a home, bad things occured before, during and after... But the blessings I can share at this moment is the medicine she finally was placed on made All the difference, total 180 degree difference. Its not just the meds, she was on the wrong meds to start with, her body was changing due to her inability to remember routine meds vs as needed, etc. Her diet was undernourishment and we tried to help her get back on track by feeding her but she had too many reasons not to or that she couldn't. That alone caused expedition of the dementia she had. She now has both dementia and alzheimers desease, no they are not the same thing. From most of the family and siblings, it was time to mourn her inability to make up for or create better memories and accept the past for what it was. I can tell you now, we still face struggles, but we are sharing and recieving love from our mother by getting to know where she is at in her mind now. She is much calmer, and paranoid issues are all but faded. I hope this will give you direction, perhaps by now you have already found her because its about helping them feel safe and loved in the environment they no longer control. I praise God for prayers answered and now understand how to honor my parents so that their days may be longer...and I am still learning from them.  

Hi lyllbitt, can you share what medication helped with your mom? We desparately need something that will work to help my dad calm down and have less paranoid delusions.

Thank you!

I too, am desparate for a medication that will help with the paranoid delusions. We have tried several but  nothing seems to work. The delusions seem to be the way mom's mind rationalizes the things that are wrong. If she can't find something because she hid it or something is not the way she thinks she remembers it, she says 'the other woman' came in and stole it.  She becomes very angry and verbally abusive; her BP goes up to dangerous levels. She even passed out once, she was so wound up.

Hi baydey, since I wrote my original email, my dad has been on an anti-phychotic called Halidol... I have seen quite an improvement in the paranoid delusions and his agitation is pretty much non-existent. I am happy with what it has done. He is a nice person for the first time in years, and he is not sleepy or vacant. Just a nicer, calmer version of himself, and not making death threats to caretakers, which is good!