I am the youngest of four sisters. We live in four different states and the one who lives in the same state as our mother, is two hours away. Our mother has serious dementia and can no longer handle ANY of her normal living matters. On this, we all agree. Up until about three weeks ago, we thought she was going to be able to live alone in an apartment near the sister who lives in the same state. That is no longer an option. Our oldest sister (Sister #1) - the one who has the least amount of annual income - has agreed to move mom in with her and her husband (she is the only sister willing/able to do so). On this, we all also agree. She acknowledges that she does not want to be involved in the financial decisions (she never was a very good money manager). She is leaving that up to us three. We just need to let her know what she has to work with.
Here's the question. How do you decide how much to pay the sister (from mom's small monthly income) for the room, board, transportation, housekeeping, utlitiies (etc., etc., etc.) AND the compassionate care she provides? I believe that for the services my sister will provide, an assisted living facility would be paid upwards of $5,000 per month. There is no way our mother could afford that amount, nor can my sisters and I affort to contribute to pay that amount. But, of course, that would be an outside, for-profit company. Our sister is family. Some of us believe that sister #1 should be paid the absolute maximum mom can afford - even if that means drawing from her small 401(k). Some of us believe that as family, she should be paid only the amount that mom might otherwise have paid for an apartment. I'm sure that somewhere between "what a for-profit company would charge" and "nothing, because she's mom" there is an amount we can all live with. Does anyone have any ideas or formulas that might help us come up with this number? Mom's monthly income is just shy of $2000 and she has about $20,000 in all bank accounts (including her 401(k)). Keeping the same monthly income of $2000, her savings should last a little more than three years. Then her income would drop to about $1500 per month - period - for the rest of her life.
So far, we've discussed three different monthly distribution areas: Basic room and board ($1000 - some feel this is just right, others feel this is not enough); Mom's personal allowance ($?? - maybe $200 for grooming, small gifts/cards she might want to purchase); and Respite/Relief help for Sister #1 ($???). Then, of course, there are her medical/RX expenses as well. Are we on the right track? How do others figure this out? How do you decide the limits of "family should do just because"? How do you handle hurt feelings when one sister thinks the other is taking advantage?
Any suggestions or conversation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Daughter #4