I can empathize, as we, too, are in the beginning stages of finding a suitable independent living community for my mother. Each day can bring a different perspective from her, and I found that being very patient and kind with her, has worked the best. I did visit a few senior housing communities and that was very helpful for me to be informed. I provided only the information that I knew would not overwhelm her when the housing discussion came up, and she became very excited about making the move. She has been concerned about her possessions and furniture, etc., wanting to clean out storage areas, etc., so I spent a few days with her and we organized her storage area in her current home and took several things to the local charity. Then we started a list of furniture that she likes and wants to keep, things she wants to sell, and more things to donate. She let me keep the list. I will review it with her again when the timing is right.
One thing I believe is important is to let your loved one know that you want her to be as independent as possible and emphasize the features of various senior communities that allow for that, such as parking areas for her car, if she has one, and transportation vans available for shopping and community trips. My mom loves to be around people, so she was open to that.
Still taking small steps, but eventually it will all work out.