David and I are not usually the “pass around” type, but now and then one comes along that is worth sharing. We felt that this was one of them. Hope you enjoy the irony and humor as we did. Author unknown. “Old Age, I decided, is a gift I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging bottom. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to sum it up, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)”.
I admit to being dismayed when I remember the things that came out of my mouth when I was a young mother; the same threats and warnings my own mother had said to me a couple of decades earlier. I had sworn I would never say such things to my own kids, but the words came tumbling out anyway, uninvited.
"If I have to stop this car, you are really gonna get it!" My own mother had made that threat to me and my sister and brother a million times. She usually said that with one hand on the steering wheel and the other one swinging wildly over the backseat of our 1956 Ford Victoria. We all had to duck and dodge to avoid the "danger zone."
I don't remember my mother ever actually stopping the car, but she slammed on the brakes a few times to make us think she was going to.
"Don't make me come up there," while pointing my finger up the stairway. "If you do that one more time, you're gonna wish you hadn't." And also, "you'll put your eye out with that thing!"
Yes, we moms have inherited the words, and we know how to use them, giving us the ability to instantly go from sweetness and light to hormonal monster. Unfortunately, memory problems don't seem to erase those early moments I would like to forget, but maybe, just maybe my adult children now understand how a good mom can be connected straight from heaven to hell, and can change in a flash. It's a trait they may have inherited.
Right now I feel as if I am starting something new. David and I have had our home on the market since November 2007 and I am ready to see the end of this burden of uncertainty. We live in a nice neighborhood with many amenities. We have much going for us right here. I finally talked to David with an open heart and mind. Often I am clouded with thoughts of confusion about if I can really know what is best for us or even what is best for me. Just talking over our prospects has lifted my spirits.
The sun is shining today and that alone gives me confidence in my ability to have this important conversation. Even the grass seems greener. Talking with someone who cares about and understands something of this thing called dementia is life changing. It is like someone opening the curtains. Hello sunshine!!
It has been cloudy and rainy for five of the last six days. For me that means everything I do and all my thoughts are slower. My sense of time and place are confused. My ability to understand, speak, and remember are at question. I am uncertain of my ability to perform daily activities such as planning meals.(Thank you David for being such a support this week.)
I have a Community Bible Study tomorrow; that's another opportunity for an emotionally charged event. What if I just can't keep up? What if I say something inappropriate? Fear!!!!!........ah, what's the worst that can happen? I know......I'll just keep on Dancing!
I can watch a movie but I can't follow the storyline. It now takes DVD's because I need to see a movie over and over to understand just what's going on.
David and I recently rented "Away From Her", a story of a woman slipping deeper and deeper into Alzheimer's. I can't get this movie out of my mind. It was slow moving, and held my attention enough to repeat it. By watching movies over and over I see things I missed the first or second time around. My mind stumbles over many words and I find myself focusing on details that have nothing to do with the story. I can tell you what the color of a dress is but not remember what was said.
The first part of this movie was so very real to me. The scene where Fiona puts the frying pan into the freezer reminded me of the time I found my shoes in the fridge. We laughed about it but that was because it was easier than talking about it. Often we laugh when we don't know what else to do.
I now know why I love the classic movie channel. Only movies that I remember from my youth give me pleasure. Thank you Mr. Turner for the gift you give so many in this same boat! I know I am not alone. This is a subject I have not heard about from others, but I know enough now to recognize that much of what is happening to me is just part of life with dementia.
I am so thankful for all the people I have met and talked with these past two years who understand Alzheimer's and are willing to talk about it. Let's pull together and get rid of the stigma.
Last week I did an interview with StoryCorps, in partnership with National Public Radio (NPR). We were invited by the Alzheimer's Assoc, Eastern Chapter, Raleigh, NC where the interview took place. I found the experience very helpful. I recommend you look for information in your area and take part. Below is StoryCorps website:
www.storycorps.net