A Place for Dad - All Comments

re: First Post

betsykiekhafer — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:46:08 GMT

I have been caregiving my 91 yr old mom for 3 yrs in my home and 13 years before that in her home after my dad died. I have found that the resources for caregiving are hard to find. Everyone says there is help but I have really had to dig and ask alot of questions and find the whole thing quite disjointed. Its only thru talking with others and reading articles in the paper and calling and asking about what I hear and read that I have found the resources to really help me.I have been a nurse for 36yrs and so I do know how to problem solve and find help. I can only imagine what it is like for others.

re: Senior Housing on a Cruise Ship

Cheryl — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:07:29 GMT

I actually arranged for a home care companion to go on a cruise to help with ADLs of a gentleman. We had it all arranged and the family decided at the very last minute to back out and have a "freind" offer the care. Needless to say, it did not turn out as the daughter ended up spending most of her time checking on her dad as her friend got ill and later told me that she wished she had used the professional. The homecare companies had a fun time deciding which cargiver would get to have this fun week long job!

re: First Post

mariab — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 01:56:37 GMT

As an Eldercare Advisor with A Place for Mom this is how I feel when working with the families I try to help everyday. I don't know who the author is....but I know I heard Kimberly Locke sing this on American Idol. This is how I feel....and I imagine how all of our advisors feel. Please know that we really do care...and have hope for every senior to THRIVE throughout their entire lives.....but their families need help....and that is what we are here for.....

The Lyrics of FALL......

Oh look there you go again

Putting on that smile again

Even though I know you’ve had a bad day

Doing this and doing that

Always putting yourself last

A whole lot of give and not enough take

But you can only be strong, so long before you break

So fall

Go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine I’ll catch you every time you

Fall

Go on and loose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear, I’m right here.

Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight

All that’s wrong and all that’s right

Lay your head on my shoulder, let it fade away.

And if you want to let go baby its ok

Fall

Go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine I’ll catch you every time you

Fall go on and loose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear, I’m right here

Baby fall

re: First Post

mariab — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 01:51:46 GMT

As an advisor....the lyrics of this song truly tell everyone how I really feel when I am trying to help a family....I don't know the author of the song....but I know I heard it from Kimberly Locke from American Idol. It touched my heart and I felt that I needed to share with the world that when an advisor from A Place for Mom is helping your family...this is what they really want to say....read and know that we are with you all the way.....

Oh look there you go again

Putting on that smile again

Even though I know you’ve had a bad day

Doing this and doing that

Always putting yourself last

A whole lot of give and not enough take

But you can only be strong, so long before you break

So fall

Go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine I’ll catch you every time you

Fall

Go on and loose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear, I’m right here.

Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight

All that’s wrong and all that’s right

Lay your head on my shoulder, let it fade away.

And if you want to let go baby its ok

Fall

Go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine I’ll catch you every time you

Fall go on and loose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear, I’m right here

Baby fall

re: Senior Housing on a Cruise Ship

PattySpinneweber — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:29:23 GMT

Wow, travel and retirement seem to fit together like hand and glove. But this concept I am not too certain of.

Now I have to be honest. I have never been on a cruise. The lack of experience may taint my decision. My understanding of a cruise is a mini-city afloat the water with different exotic destinations. I am sure the cruise line could hire care-givers and that logistically could be figured out. But what about serious medical help. Hospitals. Surgeries.

This sounds great, but I really don't know how realistic it may be for one reason being...medical assistance....but we may be on to something...

re: Eldercare gets a bad rap...

Paul J. Hamilton — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 18:13:37 GMT

Exactly!

re: Free Market Capitalism on a Fixed Income

Paul J. Hamilton — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 15:43:33 GMT

The name of the game is education. Children need to insure that their parents are investing their retirement account, ie, IRA/401K, properly. Years ago, the older you got the more conservative you invested to try and insure the money was available when you needed it. Now, we are living longer. Our portfolios need to be a little more aggressive, more exposed to equities than bonds in the out years. Asset allocation is the name of the game. We need to pay a professional to help us manage our money, objectively.

re: "What are we going to do with Dad?"

Paul J. Hamilton — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 12:24:46 GMT

Yes, I understand that our over 65 crowd will double in the next 15 years!

re: Moving Madeline

Paul J. Hamilton — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 13:01:47 GMT

This was very good. Thanks for sharing, John. You're Dad did the right thing, it's what his Dad would have expected him to do. Again, thanks for sharing.

re: Eldercare gets a bad rap...

erikar — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:28:23 GMT

I think that part of the problem is that society dictates that if you don't keep your elder loved ones at home you are a "bad person" who obviously doesnt care about them. This couldn't be further from the truth. The reality is that our homes are not designed for the aging process, and as a general rule keeping elders at home does nothing for either socialization or promoting independence. If the newspapers would only show the reality of how the independent and assisted livng communities can truly benefit those we love, I think it would go a long way toward helping people.

re: Senior Housing on a Cruise Ship

erikar — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 02:43:32 GMT

I actually spoke to a gentleman from England when I was on a cruise recently and he told me that rather than rent a place by the ocean in Florida or Arizona for a month to get away from the bad weather, he was doing a 5 day, 9 day, 5 day and 9 day cruise back to back! All he had to do was get off the boat for an hour each time it got back to Miami to go through customs. He said he got to see great ports, meet interesting people. I thought what a great idea! Sure beats a retirement community!

re: Senior Housing on a Cruise Ship

JohnT — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 03:47:56 GMT

Well, you know that's a great point. I spent a couple days of one cruise in my cabin because I was seasick from the big waves we were experiencing. The idea of senior care on a cruise ship may not be too realistic, but I'll bet there's a way to make it work and make it a fun experience.

re: Senior Housing on a Cruise Ship

scrowe — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 07:06:52 GMT

Wow - John! I really like that idea. Hopefully this will be a reality by the time I am needing assistance. The only problem would be trying to get a sense of balance after being out to sea so much. I know that when I came back from a 4 day cruise, it took me days to not feel like the ground was rocking back and forth!

re: Smell Test for Alzheimer's

Paul J. Hamilton — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:25:07 GMT

Very interesting!

re: "...how to calculate the dose of hope..."

Pamela Talon — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:27:06 GMT

Good topic John. Hope is said to be one of the great healing powers. Here's another good story.

The Power Of Hope

Ernest H. Rosenbaum, MD and Isadora R. Rosenbaum, MA

Look to this day for it is life,

For yesterday is already a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision.

But today, well lived, makes every yesterday

A dream of happiness and every tomorrow, a vision of hope.

Sanskrit Proverb

If you or someone close to you is living with an illness or the debilitating results of an accident, you will undoubtedly empathize with the thoughts and emotions expressed by others who have similar experiences. Their depression, anxiety about the future, and fear of suffering and dying are familiar to all of us, but so are their efforts to seek knowledge about their condition and to regain control over their lives.

In the process of reestablishing personal autonomy, these individuals accepted responsibility for their physical and emotional well-being. They recognized that their attitude toward their illness and, by extension, the way in which they portrayed it to others would determine how friends, family, and colleagues would react to them. But they chose to consider this reminder of their mortality as a wake-up call that led them to reassess their values and to either confirm or change their way of life. Each of them nurtured old relationships and developed new ones; each lived life more fully while learning to live with illness. Each of them found hope.

The same opportunity to acknowledge our mortality and examine our priorities is available to all of us the temporarily healthy and those with illness. David Spiegel, MD questions--What is important to us? How do we want to live the rest of our lives? If we discover behaviors or habits we wish to change, we are free to begin experimenting in that direction. We too may start to take risks, open our minds to other modes of thought, take a trip or a class, and make new friends. Anyone who goes through this process will undergo permanent, positive change and will have begun to nurture the will to live.

Although we cannot precisely define the will to live, we have identified the following attitudes and behaviors common to those in this book as well as to other patients observed over many years of practice:

They live in the present. They know the past cannot be changed, but they also know they have the capacity to influence the quality of today and tomorrow.

They accept their new problems and attempt to solve them through introspection, understanding, and sharing.

They set reasonable, achievable goals.

They consciously try to downplay negative emotions and to focus on feelings of love and hope.

They surround themselves with supportive friends and family members.

They actively search for ways to help others.

We, as care givers, consider the first five attitudes and behaviors to be essential. Those who practice them are taking responsibility for their illness and ensuring that their needs are met. The sixth represents a principle we have long recognized as vital to a fulfilling life: Try every day to help someone else! When our own needs are met, we are emotionally free to give to others. For (one patient), what was important was smiling at passersby; for Zelina, it was giving an unhappy child a hug; for Madison, it was sharing the joys and sorrows of a friend. As a result of their suffering, these people had something special to give. You, the reader, also have something special to give to others as a result of the sensitivities you've developed through your own suffering. You too can reach out, relieve loneliness, give hope.

Of all the ingredients of the will to live, none is more essential than hope. But hope is relative: One person may hope for the fullest possible remaining life; another may hope to live until a special holiday or a family reunion; still another may simply hope to avoid suffering.

Doctors can contribute substantially to a patient's feelings of hope not false hope, but realistic hope. When a patient asks, "How long have I got?" some physicians will respond, "six months," a year," "two years," and quote clinical statistics for that person's disease. What these physicians often forget to mention is that statistics are averages, compiled from survival data on a great number of individuals, some of whom obviously lived much longer than the average, and others a much shorter time. As many of the individuals in this book demonstrate, it is impossible to predict any person's longevity. Even after a patient has begun a particular therapy, it takes time to determine whether it will have the desired effect. But even if it fails, another one may be highly successful.

Hope may indeed be one of the elements that enables a person to live longer than medically anticipated. However, the opposite is also true. An extreme lack of hope can have the same effect as the phenomenon called self-willed death or bone pointing, observed among Australian Aborigines and in other South Pacific cultures. In such cases, a tribal witch doctor casts a spell similar to that observed in Voodoo (in certain African or South American tribes), causing the victim to suffer paralyzing fear, withdraw from society, and die within a short time. Of course, the witch doctor can only be effective if the potential victim believes in the power of the curse. In the same way, a person with an illness can be adversely affected when doctors and nurses project a sense of hopelessness, or when family and friends are unable to hide their fears. (Paradoxically, such people are often projecting concern over their own mortality, not that of the patient!)

Clearly, realistic hope is a life force in and of itself. If you are dealing with a serious illness, you may often feel exhausted, overwhelmed by never-ending problems, ready to give up. Yet, a little hope a remote chance for survival or a small improvement in your condition can give you the strength to carry on.

There is no medicine like hope No incentive so great And no tonic so powerful As the expectation Of something better tomorrow.

Orison Swett Marden

In conclusion, the will to live both defies definition and has many definitions, as demonstrated by our contributors. We can only describe common behaviors and attitudes among those who have it, and acknowledge its wondrous power. People who exhibit a strong will to live appear to have strong bonds of friendship and love. They also show a determination to meet misfortune head on to accept what has happened and find a way to cope. Part of this process involves finding out everything they can about their condition and treatment alternatives and discussing these facts with their doctors and those close to them. They certainly reexamine their priorities. Most important, perhaps as a result of the foregoing, people with the will to live are determined to live life to the fullest, be this for one week or a natural life span.

Finally, most of us do not discover the great, untapped force of the will to live until we are faced with an illness or other crisis. Yet we all have the ability to unearth its potential. We hope that the stories of the courageous people in this book will inspire you to delve into your innermost being and live every succeeding moment from your mind and heart.

Rekindle your Inner Fire - your will to live,

You still have time to live.

How you live is your decision